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I’m here, in my pajamas, just living and stuff

His voice wakes me from a dream of floating in the ocean and I drift down the hall to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Bad dream. Will you lay with me?”

I open my eyes all the way and see him. He is squeezing his panda bear tight with tears just threatening to fall from his daddy’s blue eyes.

Yesterday he turned 11, but right now he is my baby.

I crawl in and he squirms into my arms and fits perfectly. The warm smell of him fills me up and takes us both back to my ocean dream where we float and sway gently. Together.

The last month has been a big ball of life wrapped up in colorful paper, candy canes, pajamas, soft blankets, warm fires and twinkling lights.

Each moment is a story all its own.

I’m laughing with friends, being vulnerable and happy and full. I’m aware of how much they love me and I promise myself to never forget this feeling.

I’m crying alone in my room, covers over my head to muffle the sound. My body shaking and my breath completely gone, I wonder if I’ll ever feel true happiness.

I’m trying on clothes and everything is too tight, and the regret of losing myself to food floods me until I can barely stand to look at myself. I wrap a black cloak around me and try to disappear.

I’m holding my girl’s hand as the opening credits and sounds of “Star Wars” fills the air and I let the tears fall.

I watch my family open the gifts I made and I feel all at once proud and not enough.

I watch my children giggle and play together, both lost in a world of their own creation. The sound of them echoes through every space of our house long after they go to bed.

Each moment is a story all its own.

Yet I feel unworthy of telling stories anymore and scared the words just won’t come. I worry I am a broken record of contradictions and recycled emotions.

I was planning to quit writing this blog.

Quit writing all together.

I was going to give up my dream because fear is big and my blankets warm.

Yet, I can’t seem to do it.

I’m here.

Yesterday I received two powerful emails from readers telling me how much I have touched them in one way or another and I’m reminded of this space here.

My own little space to expose my heart, practice bravery and simply chronicle my struggle to find purpose and peace.

So I’m going to keep going. I’m going to write one word and then another.

I’m going to show up and be here.

Will you join me?

12 thoughts on “I’m here, in my pajamas, just living and stuff”

  1. You write from the heart and touch everyone who reads you – please continue as you do make a difference to yourself and to your readers. Happy new Year

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  7. You have no idea how much I love reading your posts. I relate so much. I cry and laugh. Please don’t ever stop. I look forward to hearing from you. I join you 🙂

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  8. I will join you. Your writing is too beautiful, and soul healing to not share it with the world. You’re not alone, you and your words matter.

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  10. I will JOIN YOU 100 times and then some!!!!!!!!! It’s ok to feel this rollercoaster of emotions. It’s what keeps us Focused, Motivated and Determined. Most of all it shows WE are only Human with imperfections and flaws. However, these are the same things that make each and everyone of us Unique and Special in our very Own Way. So CARRY on and Keep your Head Up High…I as many others look forward to your stories, experiences, fears, challenges, accomplishments and Sooo many times can we relate! God continue his blessings over you and yours….Happy New Year!!!!!

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  12. Yes, I will. I get so much from reading about your daily struggles. You just seem to pick yourself up and move forward. I need to read these things so I too can pick myself up and just move forward. Thank you for your musings.

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