I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m unhappy with the way things are going. I feel like my life is a series of chores with a little fun sprinkled in.
I think I’m a “fun-junkie” who is craving that next high of happiness. As a result I am not finding joy in anything I do. I begrudge cooking, cleaning, driving, grocery shopping and even showering. Everything feels like a “task” that I have no choice but to do. I feel grumpy, selfish and angry.
A few weeks ago, I left my family for an entire weekend to attend a scrapbooking retreat in Bodega. This might not seem big to you, but it was for me. My kids are 8 and 6. This is the first time I’ve done something like this. It was huge really.
Finally I had the time for me that I was always bitching about. Time to do what I want. Time away from my chores and family. Yet…there I was not enjoying it. Not appreciating the time I had. I went for a beautiful almost 6 mile hike by the ocean and I complained. I whined about the hills and my tired feet.
Here I was with time to do WHATEVER I wanted, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I found myself feeling lonely, sad and even a bit grumpy. Really, Bridgette? What the hell do you want?
There it is. What do I want? I have no clue. None.
Last weekend I attended the Little Houses Festival with my mom, kids and several friends. It is one of my favorite things and I look forward to it all year. I had some amazing moments that I want to capture forever in my mind.
* Cuddling with my boy and watching a movie out under the stars
* Seeing both of my children running around creating and feeling free
* Laying on the grass listening to beautiful musicians while lifting my daughter high into the air on my legs and giggling
* Playing with a beautiful baby whose smile made my heart sing
* Reconnecting with an old friend
* Climbing across rocks out onto the river to retrieve a bottle that might have a note in it
* Realizing the dam had released and I had to get my kids, and the 3 extras I had with me, back on shore quickly before we were stranded in the water
* Making it back on shore and hearing the now soaking kids retell the story over and over of their “daring adventure to rock planet”
But even with all those wonderful, beautiful, amazing moments, there was still so much regret. I should have been more present. I should have talked to my friends more. I didn’t get to read my book by the river. I wasn’t there for my mom enough when she wasn’t feeling well. A friend was not having fun and I did nothing to help her. I wanted to dance. I camped on the wrong side of the festival and felt guilty about that choice. I felt sad that my husband will never come with me and spent too much time feeling sorry for myself about that. On and on and on…
Why can I not keep my mind on the happy? Why do I seek out “fun” and find everything else to be drudgery? Why am I so hard on myself?
If you compare my schedule to that of others, I do A LOT of fun stuff. Tons really. This week alone I’ve attended a great concert with friends, went to lunch and did some window shopping, watched my daughter do interpretative dance on an outdoor stage while her friend sang loudly, hung out with my beautiful friend visiting from Florida and might even go bowling tonight. Can you say spoiled brat?
No idea what to do with any of this other than to call myself out on it. This is me right now. I’m ungrateful and unhappy. Hoping to be better. Do better. But for now, this is all I got.