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Exposed by my children for what I really look like

Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

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My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”

“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”

I take a deep breath.

This is exactly what I needed.

My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.

I still see my dimply, fat thighs.

I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.

I still see chubby arms.

I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.

I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.

Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.

Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…

I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.

Yes. You heard me.

“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”

Well…not exactly. But something like that.

Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.

Really, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t hate my body anymore.

That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.

I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.

Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.

Thank you kids.

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* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.

587 thoughts on “Exposed by my children for what I really look like”

    • Thank you so much and I hope you relate to finding peace and acceptance of your body. It’s a wonderful thing to just love ourselves right where we are. It’s been quite a journey for me, but I’m so happy my children are taking me on it. Much love to you.

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  3. Thank you for this. I have never been skinny and never will be. I am not very confident about how I look, but very much like you – now I realize that despite my flabby arms and thunder thighs, I am a beautiful mom. Beautiful because the love I have for my son radiates all around. So thank you, thank you for sharing this and reminding me not to be so hard on myself.

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    • Your words bring me such joy. I love that your allowing your son to see you for the beautiful mother you are. What if all women just decided to not care anymore about what others think? The freedom in that makes me giddy.

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  4. Hello Bridgette, It made me smile, it made me cry, it made me look at myself differently. Thank you for sharing this lovely story. I would so love to share your story with a few of my friends. Would you be so kind as to contact me about more details ? I really think your story can help other to see themselves as beautiful. Thank you again ! Cheryl

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      • I had something more in mind if you are up for it … I would like to invite you to participate on our program for a short interview. I didn’t find a private contact section; so rather than being mysterious …. here I be. You can check out other programs on my website to see if you would like to share your story with our audience. cthepower dot org under CthePower LIVE. Scroll all the way to the bottom for a recent “sample” program – Susan H. Moss. If it is about empowering one another; it takes a village of like minded people to change our consciousness. 🙂 ….. I was blessed by your story and I am sure our audience would too. We are a supportive group of woman empowering each other and we have a core group who are interested in “better education”.

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    • Thanks James and you are so right. We went rafting with a male friend lately who almost backed out because he hadn’t been in a bathing suit in years. Loving your body is something everyone has to learn.

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  7. This is so beautiful it brought me to tears. I just wore a swimsuit in public for the first time in a couple of years. It was hard, I’m not gonna lie; but playing in the water with my kids made it entirely worth it. Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability.

    P.S. Your kiddos are right. Both of those photos could be postcards.

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    • It is hard and I think it’s wonderful that you did it anyway. Your kids will never forget it, as I imagine you won’t either. Thanks for reading and your kind words.

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  8. Oh gosh Bridgette, you are so pretty, and you are a great Mom. I love that you wrote this, and I needed to read this a day before we go to San Diego and I spend the rest of the week in a swim suit when I am at my heaviest ever. Thank you! xoxoxoxoxox

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    • Thank you for reading Julie and for the kind words. San Diego is such a fun place to visit. I hope you can remember that YOU are beautiful and let yourself have fun. Much love!

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  9. This is so beautiful it brought me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing.

    P.S. Your kiddos are totally right: both of those photos could be postcards.

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  10. Thank you so much for writing this! I went through something similar last week, when I took my daughter to a busy beach.
    For once in my life, I wasn’t looking at the other women, wishing that I had what they have, or trying to cover my stretch mark. The only thing I worried about, was having fun with my daughter and enjoying the warm sunshine. I realised on my way home that I had more fun that day at the beach than any other, and that included when I weighed 115lbs. It’s a realization that my daughter doesn’t care what I look like, she cares about the memories and THAT is what everyone should strive for. All women are so beautiful just the way they are. Period.
    Thank you for your courage in writing this a sharing this. I’m sure that every woman who reads this will be uplifted and feel better about themselves. You are amazing!

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    • Brenna, your story made me so happy! I honestly have never thought anything but lovely thoughts of moms playing with their children, regardless of their size. It’s so nice to stop the self-hating thoughts and just allow ourselves the happiness that comes with playing with our children. It’s the best part of motherhood. Thank you for reading and taking time to share some of your story with me.

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  11. This is beautiful! I read this with tears in my eyes because I am that mom that HATES pictures of myself! My 8 year old daughter loves to go swimming and I have only been with her once while on a vacation last year because I won’t put on a swimming suit! I know we are all beautiful creations of our Heavenly Father, but I have such a hard time with body image! Thank you for sharing honestly from your heart…I will work on being a more fun and present mom with my kids!

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    • It’s a process Amorette and we are all on our own path to self-love and acceptance. For years I have hidden behind black sweaters, literally cloaked in my hatred of my body. I’m a little further down the road from you, but you will get there. Keep moving forward. Sending tons of love your way.

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  15. What a beautiful story. I am so glad that you got to hear how your children see you. What an amazing gift they are to you — and you must be to them. The pictures are beautiful, but it hardly matters. Beauty is as beauty does.

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  23. I reached your blog from a shared posting on Facebook by a relative of mine. I’ve dealt with weight issues since I was 20; I’m going on 44. (Nearly everyone in my whole family has to deal with weight issues.) I hit my heaviest not 2 years ago. I’m finally losing weight.

    I’ve always believed that you are as beautiful as you feel. And the world around you is only as beautiful as you let it be.

    From the eyes of your children, along with my own perspective, I would have to say that you are a beautiful woman. You just have to let yourself feel that way.

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    • You are very wise. I will take those words to heart. I’m still learning, but I’ve come a long way. Hopefully I can set a good example for my daughter so that I don’t pass this on. Beauty shines through at any size. I really believe that.

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  24. My 3yr old astonished me. “I love your baby, it’s very beautiful” (said about my 7mos pregnant belly).

    There have been years when these exact pics could be me, (pretty sure I own an identical swimsuit) only I would delete them and later wonder why there were no pictures of me from that trip, event, or even the entire year.

    Moms are present but often dodge the camera. I do want my kids to remember me but also have pictures, especially of what I really look like. I may not be the mom dressed and all put together or even manage to wash my hair that day, but loving makes you lovely, not the other way around! Kids may never discern if their mommy lives up to the world’s standard of beauty, (Mommy, why do you put on make up?”) but they will know how beautiful your heart is.

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  25. Thank you for posting this!! I am a photographer and I spend all my energy making sure I capture the beauty in every one of my subject, regardless of their likeness to a magazine cover or not. I consider it my privilege to make each person feel beautiful. I do not judge by weight or color or gender or tattoo, or income bracket, or dental issue, hair color or jewelry.
    In reading that article, I realized the one I am most critical of in appearance is me.
    My son sees me like this momma’s little ones. I can’t live my life in fear of what others my say when my appearance doesn’t meet my idea of perfect. I need to be as accepting of myself as I am of others.
    Too much wasted energy on negative.
    Thank you for the great article!

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    • Thank you Deborah for your story and for reading. You are very right about wasting energy on negative. I’ve done it for so long. Now that I’m giving myself the gift of acceptance, imagine all the extra time I’ll gain! Just kidding. Still a mom.

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  26. Nice!! it’s funny, my husband will insist that I look fine, but its my kids opinions that I value the most. I use to be very focused on my appearance- was even a professional model for a while- but now with four kids I am too tired and busy to keep up with it all.. jeans and t-shirt every single day, and I can’t find my makeup among the baby clothes… Your blog was a wonderful reminder of why kids are so very awesome… arghh.. I may have to find one of mine so that I can hug them! =P

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    • Thank you for the kind words and I’m glad you could relate. Hopefully you found a kid or two to hug. Hint: They are probably hiding under the laundry…or maybe foraging for food.

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  28. Thank you for being so transparent. I’m 52, overweight, and the mom of a chronically ill child (sick enough to have Make-A-Wish grant her a wish last year). I have fleeting thoughts of being thin again and wanting to look better in my own skin; and then the responsibilities of life come flooding in again with the needs of my child – to whom I am a hero (imagine that, me a hero), and it doesn’t seem that important – except for the health part. I was so tired last night I fell asleep with all my bedroom lights on (again). Thank you for the perspective change – my daughter reminds me all the time that she thinks I’m beautiful. I think today, I will start to believe her.

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    • I’m crying now. Such a beautiful post. Please believe your daughter. You ARE beautiful AND a hero. That’s the wonderful thing about motherhood, it will break you and build you up stronger every day. I’m sending you a giant hug and much love from my heart to yours.

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  29. I could have written this post. Every.single.word. My weight has and always will be my worst enemy. I fight a daily battle with my self-image and self worth. And then there are my kids and my dear husband who lift me up. Daily. They make me feel worthwhile. Loved just as I am. Treasured. I used to shy away from the camera…why would I want anyone to see my overweight self? Not anymore. I smile and look straight ahead. My kids will treasure those pictures someday…and I’m okay with that. Thank you for writing these words today. They meant a lot to me.

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    • Thank you for sharing your beautiful story with me. We are not alone. I love that you used the word treasured. That is such a wonderful way to describe how our children make us feel. The picture on the top of my blog is me as Super Mom. My boy drew it years ago and I love that he sees me that way. We are blessed.

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  30. my kids have always done the same thing. they tell me i am pretty and beautiful and i don’t see it. i see a body that is 80-90 lbs overweight with all the lovely health issues that go with that. i no longer fit in a size 12, my boobs are saggy from breast feeding five kids :), my butt, belly, and thighs show all the evidence of carrying and birthing those kids. and then i get a hug from my youngest and he tells me he likes my tummy and that it makes snuggling easier. he tells me my hair is so pretty as he sits on my lap and plays with it. he gives the biggest hugs and the best kisses and no matter how bad i may feel about the way i look, he always makes me smile. thank you for listening to me ramble, but more importantly thank you for letting all of us know that we aren’t alone. btw, i have a swimsuit just like that one, and the funny thing is, i always feel beautiful in it, that might have something to do with the 5 angels that picked it out for me 🙂

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    • Thank you for sharing your story with me. I love it. I can see you surrounded by your five children in your beautiful bathing suit getting kissed, hugged and crawled all over. Motherhood is one incredible ride.

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  36. I absolutely love this! This is beautiful and amazing! It is true that we are harder on ourselves than anyone else. We compare ourselves to others constantly and we see the beauty in others that we do not see in ourselves. We should be our own number one fan but we are not. I think you are beautiful and i think there is beauty in everyone and everything. The fact that you even put yourself out there with this post is beautiful. It takes courage,strength and true beauty to knowingly subject yourself to the opinions and judgement of others. You are beautiful inside and out and you should never forget that!!

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  38. Can you see the feelings in these photos? The way you’re giving yourself to the sand, relaxing in the sun and enjoying a moment to yourself. The way you’re gazing out to sea, maybe pondering something or just taking in the vastness in front of you, or watching the waves or listening to your kids play behind you while you just breathe and have a precious non-busy moment. Photos are fabulous but they’re only two dimensional images of rich, emotional, messy and beautiful lives. How wonderful that your kids want to take your photo, especially in secret so that you can stumble across them as a little gift later on 🙂
    p.s. I would react the same way as you did, seeing my faults, but hopefully I’ll remember what I’ve written here and apply it to myself. We can be so hard on ourselves! Happy Friday 🙂

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  44. I loved your post so much. For myself it’s not weight- it’s my face. The rosacea blisters, the overbite, the crooked nose. I do everything in my power to not have pictures taken of me. I’m 37 and absolutely uncomfortable in my skin but your post gives me hope that perhaps I will learn to love my face someday and not be wishing I could hide it from the world. Thank you so much for this!!

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  45. Thank you for this. I don’t remember when I stopped liking my body, but mothering daughters has reminded me that we need to stop talking bad about our bodies. Well done reminding us.

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  47. I dare anyone to call my mom not beautiful! For a kid, his mom is his love. It is very nice to see that you are at peace with yourself. Tomorrow if you do go for a weight reduction program, I hope it will be because you wish to do that and not because people have started commenting on you and your weight. All the best! I hope you have a lovely time with your kids!

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  49. Today I just saw the fittest looking girl with “flab” on her thighs. We are our own worst enemies and tend to be way harder on ourselves than on others. I think the fact that your kids see what’s inside and that translates to a beautiful outside is all that you should focus on. Stay beautiful

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  50. Love this post. Brought tears to my eyes, the beauty others see when we only see our flaws is truly the love they have for us. When I see my stretches and my chub I remember I brough two beautiful girls into this world. You are beautiful never forget and cherish the secret photos taken because at times they are your happiest unpredictable memories and are far better then a pose or fake smile and hiding behind things to be covered.

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