This last full moon was fantastic, or so I’ve been told. I’ve been struggling lately to greet the moon. It’s no secret I’m having hip issues, so the end of days are kind of hard for me. So, instead of full moon photos, I hope you’ll indulge me with these sunflowers and the farms around the area.
I’ve been photographing people so much lately, it felt good to chase some bees around. Let me know what you think and if you have a favorite image.
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The last few weeks I was in Vegas with my daughter and her best friend house-sitting. I’ve been doing a lot of polished portraits lately, so I used this as an excuse to play with a different style of photography. For these, I really embraced grain as it seems to fit the grittiness of the city. I tried to focus more on composition and on catching interesting moments. These photos are from Fremont Street and edited to give them a more documentary feel.
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As summer winds down, I took my nephew to a few local museums. By far, the Aerospace Museum of California was his favorite. He loved seeing all the planes and playing with all the interactive materials (Legos and other type of building supplies). We spent almost four hours exploring and playing together.
The museum holds another special place for me. My father was in the Air Force and worked at McClellan Air Force Base my entire childhood. It’s also the place a budding journalist (16-year-old me) got to meet President Bill Clinton and see Air Force One.
Let me know if you have a favorite photo and have a great day!
21/30
dirt between toes
grows nothing
summer heat takes it
cooks me in caramel sauce
loss
forget peach pits
sticky skin peeling
beer bottles stuck in sand
give me wind
thinned
veiny see-through leaves
silk scarf blowing
coffee bear hugs
bury the acorn
reborn
stones stacked higher
letters scratch
pinecone hearts sing
sit with me
dear
here
where the air blows
again
and again
and again
forever
More short poems:
1/30: not my cat
2/30: comfort
3/30: ache
4/30: remember
5/30: graduation
6/30: big love
7/30: Heavy and light
8/30: delicate
9/30: leaping
10/30: Dad gave me…
11/30: solstice
12/30: twisted
13/30: starving
14/30: open up
15/30: lines
16/30: daybreak
17/30: moon water
18/30: bedtime
19/30: typewriter
20/30: supermoon
11/30
on longest day
tilt toward sun
find cypress trees
look close, closer
see soft feather
watch it tremble
remember flying clouds
forget sinking sand
notice sky change
gold, purple, pink
swallow it whole
feel forgiveness burn
dance around flames
emerge a phoenix
weave midsummer memories
into fiery wings
close your eyes
take a bite
all my words
are still warm
More short poems:
1/30: not my cat
2/30: comfort
3/30: ache
4/30: remember
5/30: graduation
6/30: big love
7/30: Heavy and light
8/30: delicate
9/30: leaping
10/30: Dad gave me…
Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.
My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?
Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.
Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.
“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.
I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.
“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”
“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.
“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”
I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.
My daughter walks over and takes a look.
“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”
I take a deep breath.
This is exactly what I needed.
My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.
I still see my dimply, fat thighs.
I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.
I still see chubby arms.
I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.
I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.
I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.
Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.
Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…
I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.
Yes. You heard me.
“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”
Well…not exactly. But something like that.
Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.
Really, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t hate my body anymore.
That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.
I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.
Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.
Thank you kids.
* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.
All the windows were rolled down and the sunroof open. My hair whipped about my face and I was smiling.
Really smiling.
The kids and I had a fantastic morning highlighted by a delicious breakfast, lots of book talk and my daughter squeezing “I Love You” into my hand in the secret way my grandma taught me when I was her age.
As I sang and danced alone on the drive back home, I could sense something different about me. Something is happening.
My fears about my depression deepening again seem to be subsiding and I’m feeling hopeful.
Summer is coming.
I painted a picture of the sun and decided to turn it into a Summer Countdown.
Each ray of sun gets us closer to the freedom of lazy mornings, swimming with friends and staying up late.
Each ray of sun stands for another day that I’m working on myself and learning how to undo years of twisted and negative thinking.
Each ray of sun is a possibility and a chance to make things better.
Summer is coming and I’m no longer afraid.
I’m excited.
Bring it on!
