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Exposed by my children for what I really look like

Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

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My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”

“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”

I take a deep breath.

This is exactly what I needed.

My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.

I still see my dimply, fat thighs.

I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.

I still see chubby arms.

I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.

I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.

Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.

Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…

I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.

Yes. You heard me.

“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”

Well…not exactly. But something like that.

Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.

Really, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t hate my body anymore.

That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.

I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.

Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.

Thank you kids.

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* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.

587 thoughts on “Exposed by my children for what I really look like”

  1. It definitely brought back memories reading this and I even had flashbacks of photos I have remembered judging myself in and of course tryin to delete as many of them as possible. It is so important to learn to love ourselves as we are and then if we want to improve or upgrade our lives then we can start with a healthy mindset. It has been amazing to read and hear your story and so beautiful to know that your children can see your beauty that means you’re teaching them the right way to view beauty. Thank you

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    • I look at this picture and I understand, it is hard to look at ourselves in the mirror, I will go one step farther and to say I never went to the beach with my kids or my spouse, I didn’t want people looking at me… I am now 52 and still struggle with it, now my kids are all grown, and still I don’t go to the beach or a pool, sad that I let that all slip away, and good on your kids for sharing how they see you, that is so awesome,,,, I need to find piece with this or my whole life will disappear before I finally get to enjoy it, by the way to everyone who reads this I am a MAN not a women, and yes we struggle with it to, cheers

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  2. My kid does the same thing to me, takes all those pictures of me, and I look just like you, from the back. At first I thought to delete the pictures, then I thought, everyone else sees me like that, that is how I look, deleting the picture only hides the picture of me, from me, what am I hiding from? Click away- son. The pictures are great memories of our time together, and he loves, looking back at them.

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  3. Pingback: This. Read it. - Beauty Tips Around The World | Beauty Tips Around The World

  4. Always see yourself with love in your heart and not with the “hate” from strangers who don’t know you. How much you weight has nothing to do with how beautiful you are. Show the world your smile and don’t care about anything else but the love from your children and family.

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  5. I absolutely love this post and can identify with it 100%

    After years of battling and struggling with not only weight but personal acceptance I have found it isn’t age that helps you learn this but most definitely wisdom! That and being surrounded by loving accepting people who can help you learn to love yourself.

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  6. Pingback: This. Read it. | Start Losing Weight Now

  8. Your children see the whole person from within – an ability a lot of us lose as we get older. If your kids think your beautiful it’s because you are – inside & out, be proud!

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  9. You are SO beautiful! Two years ago I stopped deleting photos. One day I realised how horrible and selfish it would be to not leave any photos, of me, for my kids. What if something happens to me and they have no photos to look back at and remind them how fantastic I am 😉 Now I am also the heaviest ever but still the most amazing person, if I may say so myself.

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  12. Thank you so much for posting this. I have weighed 100 pounds my whole life. Got up to 140 with pregnancies and then back down to 105. I now weigh 160 due to back injury, foot issues and THYROID. I haven’t yet come to love the package I am in and many days when I look in the mirror I think, ” Oh my God , who is THAT???” Thanks for helping me take baby steps to accept it- I walk everyday and eat pretty healthy but I am 48 and I am battling many issues physically. BLESS YOU THIS DAY and bless our kids for loving us for what we are and not what we look like.

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    • Anne your post really moved me, I needed to comment. I too suffer from THYROID (lol) issues and I think part of it is that you’ve never had a body like this before and don’t know what to do with it. At least for me, there’s this feeling of being cheated. Everyone else seems to have the same figure they had ten, or twenty years ago. Maybe they sag or stretch a little, but nothing like gaining 80-100 lbs almost overnight. Don’t give up hope!

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  13. Thank you for being so brave! I also struggle with weight. A lot of my struggle is saying no. However that is not my children’s fault. So when my first child was born I lost 55 lbs and I can do so much more. My second baby weight has been harder to get off but I’m working out, which I didn’t do before, and I don’t limit myself. I have some beautiful friends with bodies I wish I had but I WILL NEVER HAVE THOSE BODIES NO MATTER WHAT I DO. So while working out at the gym I surrendered to the body I have. I will probably never be satisfied by the look of my body but I WILL BE HEALTHY. For myself, my husband, and my kiddos. I promised I will not stop myself from going in the pool with my “skinny” friends because I don’t like my cellulite. It is what it is and my kids like the pool so swimsuit it is!!

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  15. I have a picture that my ex took of me and our daughter, her first christmas, she was 8 months old. Like you said I have neither ever been slim or skinny so body issues have been a constant. I was 19 years old when I had my firstborn and the pregnancy left me with an even worse situation bodywise than it was before the pregnancy and lets just say the two other pregnancies haven’t exactly helped. Anyway back to the picture. I hate it. I am all red in the face, my cheeks are huge, my arms are disgustingly chubby, my legs look like logs and well, all of me is just terrible, the kid is cute though. That pic was taken before the digital era so I just tucked it in a box. One day my firstborn found it and she asked me who it was in the picture and I said that it was me and her on her first christmas and I cringed by the sight of a 20 year old me. And she said; you look so happy and proud, like we’ve been playing all day long. And she was right, I remember making a big deal of christmas the first time ever for her, not that she understood any of it, but for me it was important that my daughter would have a great christmas from the start, I remember playing with her all day between cooking the dinner, and yes, I was so happy that day for our family and so proud of being her mom. Kids see what we don’t see.

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  17. Absolutely awesome post – most women even the skinny ones have issues with one thing or another – but as you posted, our kids see us for who we really are and are honest – this is a wonderful post – – I will be reading this over and over again when I am looking at my photos – I too have gained weight after my child and now he’s twelve and I still haven’t lost the weight – I see some of my friends who look incredible and look like they did before they had their children -we need to love ourselves for who we are , not for comparing ourselves to others , now I’m seeing my child having issues – he thinks he’s too short – and being teased for being so, it really brings this to reality. But learning to deal with negativity and loving yourself is the most important lesson. Thank you for this wonderful post .

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  18. Like others wrote, I not only identified with your photo and emotions, the entire post brought me to tears. Thank you for your bravery & honesty, but most of all, for your insights. =^..^=

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  19. And I want to tell you WELL DONE! Not only did you look for what your kids saw — but you refused to correct their image of you! You are raising kids to “feel” people rather than “see” them. We all have the flaws every one of us. I find it particularly great that you did not take the opportunity to focus this conversation on finding / evaluating flaws. What a fantastic moment of parenting that was!

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  20. ♡ ~ gorgeous spiritual, emotional, physically, psychological. .sacredness ~ of a Divine Goddess. . My adoration sent ~ from my own personal health. .
    Sharing ♡ ~ Namaste ‘ ♡ — Pammi

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  22. I saw the photo on fb and read the story. Don’t knock yourself. I looked at the photo and saw a Marilyn Monroe (esk) image. you are beautiful and trust your kids they’re right. Make into a postcard girl. sexy, charming and I like the way the sand plays on your foot.

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  26. You are beautiful. Don’t ever believe any thing else. Beauty is in the heart and it shines out through you for everyone to see. How old are your children? They see your beauty.

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  27. When I first saw that picture I was confused by the caption. I just saw a woman exhausted on the beach. When I read the blog I was surprised what it was about. I understand your feelings. I’m in the same boat. After having my first child I hated being in any pictures and it showed when one was snapped. I then decided one day screw this I am happy I have a loving husband and daughter and just need to be happy. Now when I look at pictures I see a genuine smile and happiness and those are some of the best I ever taken. We are our own worst critic. Most people don’t care how we look or even bother even bother to take notice It’s the shallow people that say any thing and it’s their 2 cents that don’t matter anyway. We may be floppy and overweight but f*** it. That just means we are teaching our children where true beauty lies and it’s not in our thighs…or waist…or arms…or wallet. Great job mom your children love you.

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  29. It is an absolutely beautiful photograph of an absolutely beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing it, and for adding your thoughts and words to it as well. In all honestly, when I saw this photo of a lovely woman enjoying the sunshine on the beach, I didn’t regard the “chubby arms” and “dimply, fat thighs” you mention as flaws at all.

    Sadly, I must admit that when I look at my own photographs I do see these exact features as flaws in myself. I pick myself apart. I delete myself. I crop away myself in parts and crop myself away completely.

    My husband takes photographs of me often and keeps them on his phone. He shows them to me and expresses the beauty he sees in me with a smile. I have to fight with every inch of my being not to grab his phone from his hand and hit delete. They invoke such intense feelings of self loathing.

    I don’t feel disgust when I look at photos of other people who share features similar to mine, I feel nothing but admiration! Why do I feel such a strong sense of loathing towards myself? It’s really like some sort of sickness, this tendency I have to to do this… pick myself apart hatefully and then justify the way I erase myself.

    Thank you for helping me realize how important it is to work on healing that sickness!

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  30. At 42 years old, 20 lbs less than my highest weight, which is well over 300 lbs and with more “platinum highlights” than ever before, I feel like I’m FINALLY coming into my own. I’m finally getting “it”! 30 years ago, I was molested in our town’s pool. I gradually gave up swimming after that, gaining weight too. Last year, I decided to put aside my feelings of self-loathing for my body, put on a suit and headed to the local pool with my daughter (3). Her comment: “I like your bathing suit Mama! You look pretty!” I just laughed and said, “Thank you!” I cringed when I saw all the students from school, where I work and kept hearing their imagined snickers and whispers inside my head. “Oh, what if they take cell phone pictures of me and post them on facebook?”, I couldn’t help but wonder. Yet, I moved forward, focusing on my daughter and my desire to have fun with her, doing something that I REALLY used to enjoy. As the summer went on, it became easier to ignore the imagined comments and stares and just do my own thing. This summer, I haven’t really heard that voice in my head, telling me horrible things about how I look. Instead, I’m hearing, “This is so much FUN!! I had forgotten how much I truly love swimming.” and other such encouraging things. I won’t say that I don’t care what anyone thinks of how I look in my bathing suit. I’d be lying. However, I won’t give anyone’s (including my own) opinion the power to stop me from doing things that bring me joy. I want my daughter to remember that her mother brought her to the pool and we had a glorious time together. The radiant joy seen regularly on our faces is proof enough to me that she’ll remember well enough.

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  33. Bridgette, Thank you so much for sharing these photos and this story. I am in the same shoes that you are as far as the life long battle with weight knowing all along that I will never be the skinny person I envision in my dreams. I cried reading your post and had so many of the times that I have scoffed when my daughters have told me that I am beautiful or that I look so pretty dressed or with my hair a certain way. I pray that we can all learn to love ourselves the way we are and see ourselves for the true beauties that we are.

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  34. Thank you for sharing this story so poignantly. I, too, have endured weight issues all of my life but, foe the first time ever, have true hope learning how to eat the Trim Healthy Mama way. Blessings on you and your sweet children.

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  35. Bridgette, you are beautiful and always have been. How wonderful that your children have helped you begin to see this about yourself, what a blessing that is.

    Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story with all of us so we too can see that we are all beautiful!

    Jai Bhagwan

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  37. You really do look beautiful in this picture. It’s important to remember that everyone has moments of beauty. A lot of folks have more than they realize. A lot of folks have a lot less than they think they do. I just read a post by someone who was going on an “It’s what inside that counts.” Beauty is real beyond being a good person. But beauty is not limited to just a single body type. It can be found, when you flash a smile, when you are fulfilled, when you are able to shine through… Hard to explain, but I’ve seen it on many people, of many different body types.

    Side note… A beautiful picture is often more about color and contrast than shape.

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  38. Arnt our children the best?

    I snagged a bikini at a clothing exchange and tried it on for grins when I got home. My daughter insisted I wear it arround the house all day!

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  39. Such a lovely post. It brought tears to my eyes. We all need to be reminded that how we perceive ourselves is not necessarily true or accurate, don’t we? Who better to hear such a sweet truth than from a child who speaks what he feels from his heart. Thank you for sharing this!

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  40. So Often people are judged by their appearance,alot of these are from youngMoms who take No time for themselves ,nor do they Buy anything for hemselves,They take care of their families the best they can,giving no time to themselves.That is what Makes them even more beautiful.

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  41. Either you find a way or you make a excuse. I was 300lbs fat my whole life and now I am not. No sugar and wath my portions. Instead of accepting the way you are now… why not be the best you that you can be?

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    • It’s so very sad that you have completely and utterly missed the point. I’m also sad that you weren’t able to really love 300 lb you. If you had, you would have no reason to fat shame others now.

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  44. I think I could have written this- I’m working on loving me where I am and enough to not leave me there. Thanks for your bravery ma’am!! You’re kinda my fave.

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  45. I absolutely adore this post. I can relate. I’m a 35 year old mom of 4 and have spent years loathing my body and cringing when anyone wants to take my picture. I was diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease after the birth of my first child and completely lost control of my weight. Somehow, whether from my children’s acceptance of me, my education (Im a social worker), my age or a combination of the above, I have also realized that I don’t hate my body any more. And yes, sometimes I even feel pretty. Last May, my husband and I went to Mexico for 8 days on the beach. I was excited, but also terrified. I decided to make the best I had because vacationing alone with my husband is unheard of. I bought cute sundresses, swimsuits, jewelry and shoes. I pretended that I was sexy. A strange thing happened then – I forgot that I was pretending and started *being* sexy. Amazingly, the world did stop turning because an overweight woman decided to wear her swimsuit with pride next to her fit and attractive husband. A year later, I am heavier than I’ve ever been and more secure than I was even as a size 6. I love myself again.

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  46. This is an absolutely beautiful post and I’m glad it made it onto my Facebook today. Thank you so much for this. I feel the same way….and one day I hope my children meet people who deserve them because they are such generous, loving, and wonderful human beings!

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  48. I think it’s an amazingly wonderful picture! I, like many others struggle with weight issues. I was a chubbier kid, not fat, but definitely not skinny!! Then through high school and college I was 110 pounds (5’5″). Then I had the first of 4 children. 😁. Those days are gone, but so is that young teenager! I love the me (on the inside) I am now, and I’m working on loving the “physical me” at 185. It’s hard, it’s a daily struggle! But I don’t drink, I do t smoke, I have never done drugs, I’m active, I am a Girl Scout leader of 40 girls that love to camp and play! As well as a mom of 4 children ages 19 years to 10 months (surprise big time on #4 😄!!) yes, same mom and dad, married for 20 years. But when I think of my overweight grandmother all I really remember is the love in her eyes and her arms always being open to me! I never think of her weight! And if I could give her another hug and kiss u would run to her wether she was 100 pounds or 300 pounds!! And that is how u hope my children are with me! Happy, well adjusted loving kids with a mom who will always welcome them with arms wide open and eyes full of love!! 😍

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