Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.
My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?
Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.
Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.
“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.
I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.
“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”
“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.
“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”
I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.
My daughter walks over and takes a look.
“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”
I take a deep breath.
This is exactly what I needed.
My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.
I still see my dimply, fat thighs.
I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.
I still see chubby arms.
I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.
I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.
I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.
Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.
Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…
I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.
Yes. You heard me.
“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”
Well…not exactly. But something like that.
Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.
Really, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t hate my body anymore.
That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.
I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.
Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.
Thank you kids.
* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.
Bridgette Tales 
My whole childhood, I watched my mom struggle with her weight, with her self-esteem, and it slowly killed her, literally. She had a heart attack and died when she was only 53 years old, in June of 1999 – 15 years ago. I was pregnant with my first child, who would have been her FIRST grandchild. The death is not from being overweight but from hating her own body that she took diet pills which caused the heart attack. I wish she could have read this post and could have seen that we really loved her just the way she was, no matter how much she weight or how dimpled her legs looked. My mom’s 3 children lost a mother when we were still young at 17, 19, and 23.
In high school, when I was getting ready for school, my mom would come in the bathroom (the kind where the toilet had its own door and there were 2 sinks and a big mirror on the wall. So when I say in the bathroom, I meant the mirror/sink part) She looked in the mirror and said she wish she could lose weight because she felt so ugly. I told her “No! Mom! You are BEAUTIFUL!!!” She was depressed and didn’t like the way she looked.
If only she did what you did in this post…accept herself the way she was and just embrace life knowing that her 3 children loved her so much then she would probably still be here and playing at the beach with my daughter, my sister’s 3 children (plus the tiny one in my sister’s tummy!) and my step-sister’s 2 children….my mom would have LOVED that and I would have loved that too. I wish she is still around but …
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I totally understand how your mom felt, after the age of 14 I looked down at my legs and decided this was the last year I would be able to wear shorts, so enjoy. I’ve tried to wear shorts or capri’s even the swimsuit dresses and I’m unable to accept my figure, although I do have a swimsuit/shorts outfit I will wear (but it’s more like skorts and a top) I haven’t been for a few month’s to the city rec center just because of the thoughts of what people think of me and every other excuse I can think of to have not to wear it. I am totally ok with the sweating (with visor and towel) but only if I can see results in it fixing my home or yard, otherwise I really don’t want to deal with the sweat or sore muscles after. I see all of the selfie’s posted and can’t understand how the kid’s now day accept what I understood was not sociably unacceptable, but seriously in ways it’s good, in ways it’s unhealthy, but in the end I guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder.
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You look beautiful and are very blessed.
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Just wanted to support and encourage you. Your kids sound like amazing people too. Please love yourself for the gift you truly are.
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Except for the hair color, that could totally be me in the beach pic! I have almost that exact same suit. We just got back from the Outer Banks and I have to admit that I struggled with how I look in some of my pics. Not only am I overweight, I’m not exactly 20 anymore either. I’m past the point where I look like my mom and now I can see how much I look like my grandmother! Though there were some pics that were too bleah to post to Facebook, I posted some anyway, even the ones with my red face and messed up hair because of the non-stop wind. So I’m not a beauty queen. I’m having fun.
Besides, some day I won’t be around anymore and I want my kids to have good memories. I may not be the “cool mom” or the “hot mom” (creepy!) but I’m the mom who took them places and spent time with them. My mom never liked having her picture taken so I don’t have very many of her.
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Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for being so brave! It takes a lot of guts to post pictures of yourself on this crazy internet of ours, no matter what you look like. My body looks like yours – and I was actually pleasantly surprised. We’re not that bad, seriously. Some might even call us “beautiful”. 😉
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Kudos to you! Not merely for your struggle (as a 37 year old “fat guy” I can empathize) but for your success as a mother for raising wonderful children! In a society where body image is “everything,” especially for girls/women, it’s awesome that you’ve raised kids who appreciate the beauty of a person regardless of the body shape. You’ve raised a daughter who probably will never struggle with body issues, and a son who will probably look for more in a significant other/spouse than being 36-24-36. I’ve never met your kids and I’m proud of them. Whatever you did, however you did it, you should probably be giving lectures in every middle school and high school nationwide.
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I love this pic and your blog. I too, wanted to share my comments on the article on MSN. I NEVER reply to anything, this compelled me to. Its a lovely way to view yourself, even if our hyper critical world doesn’t. Love who you are, your family surely does!
“Purposefully, I logged in because I wanted to show this to my daughter. I love the picture, love the article and wanted to share. Like others, it brought tears to my eyes. This has nothing to do with being ‘fat’, it has to do with how her children see her….untouched, perfect, their MOM.
We started to look through the comments and I am appalled by the haters, so called ‘doctors’ and just mean comments. Its not world news, but its HER news and I personally applaud her for sharing. In a time when the world seems to be filled with hate, this mom got her day in the sun….literally. 🙂 Who cares how she got it, just let it be hers!”
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I thought you looked pretty lying on the sand in the Lake Tahoe picture.. Then I started reading through your posts on your blog, now I think you beautiful. !
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Right. There. With. You.
You looked positively angelic.
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You look wonderful and have raised caring children!
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That is a beautiful picture of a beautiful women. That’s what I call a ten.
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To you who raised such amazingly intuitive kids….you’re one I would like to know! I struggle with my weight and I avoid certain social outings, photos and specific clothes that expose those areas I don’t like. I believe the worst thoughts are in the heads of plenty around me and if I stopped to think, I never think those thought about anyone. This was such a great reminder for me and I thank you! Life passes to quickly as it is….I don’t want to miss a moment because I’m self conscience over something that no one will remember me for! 🙂
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Beautiful photographs! The young photographer has quite an eye for composition, these are actually quite good.
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What an awesome story! I often wonder why we ever have to grow up because being a kid is the best…. Everything is just SIMPLE. Your kids are inspiring and amazing! Self image can be our own worst enemy – or our best friend. It’s all about perspective! And losing weight – and keeping it off – is such a huge problem for us women especially – it’s so darn frustrating! Been there/done that. But have finally found the answer for that and am eternally grateful to not only feel healthy – but BE healthy. 🙂
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You have wonderful children that showed you being human is beautiful. I think today’s society is so quick to judge us women on our waiste lines instead of see the body for what it is. Women need that little bit extra to grow another small human inside them for nine months. Feel the heart beat as you snuggle your baby to your breast. Feel the love encompass your soul as you think i helped create this small gift from god. So we have hips. All the more to be able to carry that extra package inside us for nine months. So we have hail dents and tiger stripes all the more to be proud we are mothers. Women are made to nurture not to starve ourselves to be looked at like a piece of candy. I too struggle with my weight. Do i hate the extra oh yeah then i have to remind myself i the way i am. No matter what it is me who chooses what to do with my body. Not society. Love yourself and love the body god gave you. Be healthy but most importantly be happy.
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Hi Bridgette,
I just wanted to thank you for posting this beautiful article. I am a 22 year old girl and a daughter of a beautiful mother. One of the clearest memories I have of my mother as a young child and of my first encounter with weight was when I was sitting on my mums bed watching her getting dressed for work. I vividly remember the look of disgust and angst on her face as she went through outfit after outfit. I will never forget that pain I felt – how could someone as beautiful as my mum, the most beautiful woman I knew, not think she was beautiful. I was so confused and felt like screaming “mum why can’t you see what I see!”.
Unfortunately as a teenager and young adult I suffered from anorexia. I was hospitalised but with the help of my loving and supportive parents I was able to recover and now live a healthy and happy life. The one thing that enable me to recover was my acknowledgment that perhaps what I was seeing and the beliefs I had about myself were incorrect. I had doctors, dieticians, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, loved ones and friends all telling me that what I saw and believed was not the reality and in fact that I would die if I didn’t listen to the help that I was being given. Even if the prime minister of Australia told me all of this I still wouldn’t have believed it. It wasn’t until my mother said to me “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you” that I conceded. She didn’t just mean about how thin and unwell I was, she was referring to me as a person and the attributes I had that made me me. I think we both went through the recovery process together and learnt a lot about ourselves and the beliefs that we had of ourselves.
I hope that all women and mothers read this article and learn to accept and love their body for what it is. It is far more than just what it looks like, it is your vehicle to move around in this world and your way of being a part of this world. Why don’t we all think “wow isn’t my body an amazing thing, I just walked from A to B”, or “I just lifted my kids up”, or whatever it might be, instead of focusing on what it looks like and the negatives associated with that?
I will never forget that moment in my mothers room and how painful it felt to see my own mother hate the way she looked. Nor will I forgot those words she said to me that sparked my recovery.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story – it takes courage and strength to admit those sorts of things but I think all women need to work together to change this attitude we have towards our bodies and it’s women like you who spark this change!
Julia
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I loved this. Thank you.
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So nice! Love this story!! I totally recognize my own problems!! And I had a similar moment with my son (3) aswell when he said that I am soo beautiful (and I hate my body!!) Thank you ❤
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I never comment on blogs but when I saw your picture on Facebook and read your story, I had to find you to send you this message. You are a beautiful woman and you have raised beautiful children who love you because you are you. Embrace life and enjoy each and every moment with your family. Love yourself and do not be harsh on yourself any more. Life is too short! Love to you and yours!
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THANK YOU! After an incredibly long day out with my 6 teenagers, my youngest son (who is 12) took a picture of me laying on my bed and posted it on Instagram… I was mortified until I read his caption “my beautiful mommy… thank you for a great day.” All I saw was an over weight woman (the reason why I never post full body shots), but he saw ME… a MOM who would do anything, including going shopping with 6 opinionated, overly animated teenagers (you dont even want to know how many different malls we went to, LOL), for her children. Isn’t it wonderful to learn a thing or two about life from our children. This is a testament to the kind of person you are… children mimic what they see and obviously your children see an incredible woman. Kudos to you!!!
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Wonderful story. Women are so much more critical of themselves than others are of them. Your children see the real you, the beautiful you.
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Saw this on yahoo and had to come comment. Your children have a beautiful and terrific mother. Keep up the good work. Xoxo.
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What you’ve said was both profound and EXACTLY how I feel! Thank you!
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You look beautiful
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When I read the story, I would read your statements about imperfection, and speed right through them. And then, when I’d get to statements about the love for your children, I’d pause and savor THOSE statements. Those are the ones we remember. 🙂
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Thank u for posting this. This brought me to tears because I am a mom too and I continue to struggle with my weight. My little girl tells me all the time that I look beautiful even though I don’t feel it. She always wants me to get in the pool with her, yet I am ashamed of my body and I tell her I can’t. I realize now I am more concerned with what others would think of me or how they view me rather than creating wonderful memories with my daughter. You’ve inspired me to change my point of view and enjoy every moment I can with her.
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Great writing…glad it went viral. Awesome 🙂
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You are very beautiful! It’s the so-called imperfections that truly make us who we are. I’m glad that they were able to capture that for you, and give you a true insight that most people forget to have. I’m an overweight guy, and I understand that it’s so easy to be self conscious about the way I look. But at the same time, I’ve never cared for conformity, and doing things because it’s what others do, or think is what’s acceptable. So just be yourself. You’re beautiful on the inside and out. It’s not just a cliché, these expressions come from the truth.
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You seem wonderful. Thank you for sharing with so many people. You make the world a better place.
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Wonderful post and I’m so glad to see so many women each day realizing how beautiful they are! Our kids love us and think we’re the most beautiful people in the world. Unfortunately, it’s us (the parents, grandparents, siblings) who change their minds and teach them to think that fat is ugly. I haven’t yet gotten to the point of being able to praise myself often in front of my daughter but I have been able to make sure I never criticize myself in front of her. We also talk about the amazing things our bodies can do for us – walk, run, swim, eat, play, paint, draw, etc. Maybe through treating ourselves better, more children will treat other people better since they’ll learn from their earliest role models that all bodies are beautiful!!!
P.S. I found your blog through a Yahoo.com article. 🙂
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You are a wonderful mom and my hero.
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I was moved by your story, I have had the same issues with by self hatred since I was about 14, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what my wife sees in me, how can she say that I’m sexy? I think I look hideous,with a big gut and moobs, I am embarrassed to go to the beach, but I love it so.much, so I always wear a t-shirt, I say it’s so I don’t get sunburned, but everyone knows it’s because I’m fat and I don’t want to subject that view to anyone else. It’s so hard to see yourself as your loved ones see you, but so easy to see yourself as the critics see you, and it needs to change, yeah I’m overweight but I’m healthy, so screw the critics. I’m going to start taking my shirt off at the beach I don’t care what anyone thinks, I know it’s easy to say sitting in my office at work but I swear, I’m going to Florida in 2 weeks and I’m getting some sun on my back, with sunscreen, of course. So thank you for this post and I think you’re gorgeous.
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Your kids are absolutely right. You look good!!! I had the same thing happen to me several years ago on a Hilton Head vacation. I thought I looked like a beached whale ( which I did), but the kids saw a father who sacrifices to get them those vacations and wanted to capture me enjoying the beach as well. Thank God for kids like ours..
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Thank you for writing this article. I actually saw it on Yahoo and came over to comment here instead. I have the same issues with my body and this really inspired me to take a long hard look at myself. It’s going to be hard but I am going to try and do it.
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This made my day. Children see what we don’t. You are beautiful and kudos to your son for taking that picture and seeing what you couldn’t.
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Reblogged this on AndiMirandi and commented:
This is amazing and I think all women (and men) need to look at ourselves through the eyes of our children. ❤
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Hold the presses! The world didn’t end!!!!
The critic doesn’t count, it you that does. The doer of this sunbathing thing, little boy that saw beauty when he didn’t comprehend beauty entirely and a little girl that was beaming at the idea of how pretty she thought you looked.
Go on sunbath, laugh and be joyous. If nothing else at least two people in the world – although children- love and adore you.
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Beauty is nothing more than a smile and an open heart and a good attitude to match!!
I am so glad that your children and you have not been victims of society’s external version of beauty. I would gamble to say that 95% of beauty is internal, The Heart (what you feel, Love/Compassion) The Mind ( what you think, what is truly important in life to YOU, to achieve a healthy mental balance. Looking beyond the external beauty is where the real treasure awaits.
My respect and admiration go out to you and your children. You are living the way life should be lived!!
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Thank you for writing this… and sharing it! So honest. Your children gifted you with the words you needed to hear…. well that we all needed to hear.
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You look wonderful. The problem is the media today. The media (t.v. internet and such) say you have to be thin to be attractive. WRONG!! Attractive is an attitude. The most beautiful thing my wife can wear is a smile. Do what makes you and your family happy and I am sure you will have the most attractive glow about you. If you want to talk about physical size, you are NORMAL. I see more women with the same physical build as you when they are in the same stage of their life. Want to see a beautiful heavy woman? Look up London Andrews. (caution she does do nudes) She makes her living as a model and actress and she is a BBW. Your beautiful. Don’t let media deception lead you to think you need to look like some taco needing actress on T.V.
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You are beautiful! Enjoy the babies!
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I really loved this story it made me cry (Im a big softy) It made me think of all the times my kids took pictures of me and I would tell them to delete it until I saw it and it would have to be retaken over and over again until it was right in my eyes. So many pictures deleted until they would say forget it, I feel so gulity now because they never see me as ugly just as I wouldnt EVER see them that way. I laugh because my daughter 16 yrs old just yesterday was telling me how pretty I looked and this was as I had just came in from work sweating and desheveled no makeup on keys grocery bags purse and mail in hand.I had said to her what do you want?
And she sweetly said nothing and then walked away. So maybe it is the worry of what others think of us that makes us feel ugly.I know I need to stop worring about it because regardless of the way I see me or others do my kids love me and see me as beautiful, And that in turn makes me feel beautiful.
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I commented once before, but wanted to share that I showed my mom this picture and article. At the end, she reads on and says….’You mean that’s NOT you?, I thought you looked pretty good!’ LOL….gotta love moms who love you for you.
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Good Stuff, keep writing, it’s whats inside that counts. Money, Weight, etc are numbers that go up and down. In the end those numbers don’t mean anything. As I go for a jog to deal with my own weight, I know that at any given point in time it is what it is, and I accept wherever the scale goes.
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I saw this story on Yahoo and read it today. It was beautiful, you summarized exactly how so many of us feel. Just Great it made me cry because it was so honest and real, loved it.
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Great post. Great job. Great kids. Great Mom. Thank you.
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This article was so uplifting. I had to hold back tears. Your children were right. You look absolutely beautiful and it’s wonderful to see that you embraced the beautiful person and body that God has given you. God often times speak to us through the children because they see things differently. God bless your children for showing you how they see you because its obvious your beauty is internal as well as external. Continue being a blessing. Thank you for your article.
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So, where is the exposing, hideous picture? I have scrolled through the entire post and havent found it yet.
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I read a lot of articles and postings, I have never been one to make a comment, usually in my own head but never directly. I just wanted to say thank you, what a wonderful “mom” attitude you look great and have such a great outlook, an inspiration!
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