“You are literally glowing”
“You got your mojo back, can you help me find mine?”
These were said to me. ME! This week. Really.
I want to breathe these words in. Savor them. Keep them in my pocket.
Things are changing. It’s good, hard, beautiful and ugly. It’s life.
I’ve been writing about all these internal battles happening, but other things are happening that I can’t write here. Everything is happening for a reason, though, and that is to move me forward. I’m finding my voice and living the way I want. And it feels really good.
Have you heard the song “Brave” by Sara Bareilles? Why not? You should! I’ve been blaring it every morning while I make breakfast and singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. My children think I’m crazy, but I can live with that. Just a sample of the awesomeness of this song:
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
So, I’m saying what I want and everything is changing.
I’m running. I switched, just this morning, to running at 4 a.m. (because, honesty, 6 p.m. is getting too hot and the people in my neighborhood drive me crazy.) It was joyful. Stars. Moon. No people. Cool air. One guy smoking on his patio, but he is ALWAYS there. The sky changing ever so slightly to a greenish hue on the horizon, the hint of the day to come. I can get used to this. I’m on week 4 of my program and now run a total of 16 minutes (broken up still with walking). Huge improvement. I’ve always wanted to be a runner. Now I believe I can.
I started guitar lessons from my dear, talented friend. This is also a dream of mine. My fingers hurt and I’ve only learned one chord, but I love it. I have something to practice and create on. I have faith that I will make that guitar sing and we will be awesome together. It will just take time and desire. I have both.
I’ve started writing. A lot. I’m journaling, writing song lyrics and even started a book that’s been rattling around in my head in various forms for years. It’s exhilarating to get lost in words. To take the images in my head and use language to translate them to paper. I’m using a pen and paper, not just the keyboard. I have missed the feeling of just letting the pen move across the paper, no editing, no backspacing, no cut-and-paste. It’s freeing.
I even did a little crafting this week. I’m planning my daughters birthday. She will be 6 (we are NOT talking about that). I’m making dozens of fairies and gnomes for her friends to “discover” on the hike by our house. Yes, it’s a hiking party. How awesome is that? Her idea! I love this kid.
Did I mention I baked cookies and bread this week too? I had started to HATE baking and cooking, but then my sweet friend told me how much she LOVES my bread. How special it is to her, and, like a switch, I love it again. I had forgot how much happiness homemade food can bring someone. No, I still don’t LOVE all the dishes and dirtiness of my kitchen, but I do enjoy making people happy.
My house is a mess. I forgot the ENTIRE chicken I cooked yesterday on the counter last night because I lost myself in fairy-making. I almost left the house yesterday without the kid I carpool with because I was writing in my head all morning. Didn’t give the kids baths last night, even though they needed them, because I wanted to snuggle with them longer.
I will take it. All of it.
To have creative energy back in my life…that’s everything.