Falling over, under and through

Hope I didn’t lose all of you. I’m finding it impossible to put into words all the amazing, hard, beautiful and, yes, ugly things that have been happening with me. It’s just…so much.

As I grow and change and assert myself, there are some growing pains. I’m tilting sideways and not finding my balance yet. I’ve got people pulling on all sides. I’m split open. Torn. Bleeding.

I left my family for a spontaneous road trip with a friend. This is the first time I’ve left my family since my son was born 8 ½ years ago. We saw the ocean and breathed it in. I felt a sense of falling into my old self. Finding someone other than mother and wife. But it was fleeting.

I spent countless hours planning and creating a birthday for my beautiful now six-year-old daughter. It was a gorgeous, hot day filled with hiking, fairies, gnomes, costumes, good friends, laughs and fun. Watching my daughter grow continues to fill me with awe. She is wise, beautiful, a great friend, feisty, creative, deep and she breaks me open with her eyes. Those eyes. She climbs into my soul and I get lost just rubbing her back or touching that beautiful hair. And don’t even get me started on her freckles.

We celebrated the last week of school and I tried, clumsily and without really succeeding, to tell all the teachers at my children’s school how much I love them and appreciate them. I can never fully do that. They can never quite understand the impact they have on our lives. Knowing my children are loved, seeing the beauty of my son’s schoolwork and celebrating with both class parties, was beyond words. Having my husband share in the entire last day is even harder to explain.

My darling “summer daughter” was here for 10 days and we tried to pack an entire summer into those days. They flew by. Although we did big things, like Marine World, Sun Splash and Pier 39 in San Francisco, my favorite moments were the ones when she just talked and I listened. She is 15 and growing up so fast. I loved hearing about her life, her friends, seeing her grow and find her path. She is an amazing person and I can’t wait to see what she does with her life. It’s going to be beautiful.

So much to be thankful for, yet, I’m not feeling happy and content. I’m more like a flower whose petals keep getting ripped off. Each one is beautiful and it’s wonderful to see the petals float up in the breeze and dance away…but there isn’t many left. What will happen when it’s only stem?

I’ve been haunted by my dreams.

I’m standing on the beach. It’s peaceful. I’m calm. A big wave pushes me down and I sink to my knees. I’m stuck. I can’t move. The waves start crashing over me and I can’t breathe. I brace myself as they keep slamming into me. Panic sets in and I wake.

I’m standing on a busy street corner and people are whizzing by. I can see them talking, but it’s like a buzzing sound. I can’t make out any words. I feel lost and confused. I try to talk, but my voice is gone. I realize then that I can’t move. I can just stand still and watch everyone rush around me. I panic. I want to scream. To thrash. To be seen. Then I wake.

There are more, but they are all basically the same thing. Feeling trapped and full of anxiety. I know these are growing pains and they are ultimately good for me. But I hate this.

So, my dear friends who read this, please be patient with me. I know I’ve not been present when we are together. I know I’ve been drinking too much. I know that you see it and feel it. Please know that I appreciate every kind word. Every hug. Every happy moment we share. Time will heal me and help me to see my path more clearly.

I just need time.

Oh, and chocolate.

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3 thoughts on “Falling over, under and through

  1. Know that every pain doesn’t have to be felt alone. Wounds heel better with love and attention. We all love you so much and will be your shoulder to lean on when it’s too much to stand, sis. You are growing so much and I feel so blessed to watch and read it! You’re such a beautiful person with a heart of gold!

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  2. Dear Sweet One,
    Consider this. Maybe there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe all of us rushing around you are the ones who can not be still because we have not found ourselves. Maybe you are the calm still oasis of peace and you are not lost but found. Maybe your voice is heard (I know it is) by those wise enough, grown up enough to be still and listen. Maybe the discomfort you feel is the new inner wear. (You know new clothes always feel a little off until you wear them long enough for them to become comfortable.) That panic when the “old” you wants to hold on because it doesn’t know who the “new” you is and where you will land don’t fight against it. Breathe into it and know you are guided with the wisdom of the ages. Just wait. A miracle is happening, a flower is opening up. Isn’t it beautiful?

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