There is so much ugly and pain. Sometimes it’s all I can see. And I hate it.
When I get in that place, I know it’s impossible to be around me. Everything is wrong and I fail to see any good. The weight of everything presses on me from all angles. I start to forget my breath. I start living in this place of survival. Just getting from one task to the other. It’s not pretty. And I hate it.
I start reading news stories and wallowing in the misery of the world. There is so much pain to live in. I start thinking of lives cut short, of abuse and anger, of mistakes and what-could-of-beens. Nobody can pull me out when I’m in deep. No rope. No kind words. It is only me. And I hate it.
But that’s just one side.
Yes, it’s hideous, disgusting, painful and cruel. But I have to go there. It’s part of me. I need to see ugly and feel the pain. I need its raw, unnerving truth to smack me in the face. It’s only when I get there that I can see what really matters and the place I want to live: beauty.
My life is easy. I’m a stay-at-home mother of two healthy, beautiful, amazing children. I have friends and family who give me more than I deserve. The intensity of that truth is just as powerful. It’s beautiful.
When I start drinking in the beauty and blessings, the darkness slips away for a while. I find my breath again. Moments become more alive and I see colors. I can let go of the guilt and pain of having so much and just feel thankful. It’s beautiful.
I was running this morning in the early morning light of 4 a.m. I could hear only my breath and the soft rhythm of my feet. I could feel my body awakening and coming back to life. The moon was winking at me softly surrounded by wispy clouds and stars. It was so beautiful.
So, today, I choose to live in beauty. I know the darkness is there and will always be. But I need some light. Bring on love, freckles, ice cream, swimming, silly dances, cuddles, crazy kisses, stuffy parties, pillow fights and connection.
Here’s to beauty!