There is so much ugly and pain. Sometimes it’s all I can see. And I hate it.
When I get in that place, I know it’s impossible to be around me. Everything is wrong and I fail to see any good. The weight of everything presses on me from all angles. I start to forget my breath. I start living in this place of survival. Just getting from one task to the other. It’s not pretty. And I hate it.
I start reading news stories and wallowing in the misery of the world. There is so much pain to live in. I start thinking of lives cut short, of abuse and anger, of mistakes and what-could-of-beens. Nobody can pull me out when I’m in deep. No rope. No kind words. It is only me. And I hate it.
But that’s just one side.
Yes, it’s hideous, disgusting, painful and cruel. But I have to go there. It’s part of me. I need to see ugly and feel the pain. I need its raw, unnerving truth to smack me in the face. It’s only when I get there that I can see what really matters and the place I want to live: beauty.
My life is easy. I’m a stay-at-home mother of two healthy, beautiful, amazing children. I have friends and family who give me more than I deserve. The intensity of that truth is just as powerful. It’s beautiful.
When I start drinking in the beauty and blessings, the darkness slips away for a while. I find my breath again. Moments become more alive and I see colors. I can let go of the guilt and pain of having so much and just feel thankful. It’s beautiful.
I was running this morning in the early morning light of 4 a.m. I could hear only my breath and the soft rhythm of my feet. I could feel my body awakening and coming back to life. The moon was winking at me softly surrounded by wispy clouds and stars. It was so beautiful.
So, today, I choose to live in beauty. I know the darkness is there and will always be. But I need some light. Bring on love, freckles, ice cream, swimming, silly dances, cuddles, crazy kisses, stuffy parties, pillow fights and connection.
Here’s to beauty!
I love you…. when you write I feel it. I am here for you as I know you are here for all of us. It’s ok to step back and take a little for yourself. Sometimes I feel that all hate, despair and grief of the world is on my shoulders. I have to remember to step back and see the good and forget the bad, ugly, hateful world we live in. Hold all that is love close and never let it go.