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Exposed by my children for what I really look like

Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

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My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”

“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”

I take a deep breath.

This is exactly what I needed.

My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.

I still see my dimply, fat thighs.

I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.

I still see chubby arms.

I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.

I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.

Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.

Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…

I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.

Yes. You heard me.

“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”

Well…not exactly. But something like that.

Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.

Really, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t hate my body anymore.

That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.

I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.

Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.

Thank you kids.

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* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.

587 thoughts on “Exposed by my children for what I really look like”

  1. Wonderful. I was in a self-hating shame spiral over some unflattering pictures earlier this week, and a friend helped me through it with a lot of this same kind of “how others see us” talk. Keep doing what you’re doing mama, and if sounds like you have some pretty awesome kids!

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  7. Your beauty shines through in your writing as well, and your courage. You are obviously very loved and so you should be, your children are very lucky. And lastly, thank you, because your words have helped me today.

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  8. How fantastic that A. your kids could offer such a valuable lesson in loving the person not the body, and B. you’ve gotten to a place where loving you just the way you are works! Congrats!

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  9. For every girl after she enters her teens weight become a big deal. I have put on a lot of weight from the time I have finished my college. Each day I think of ‘yes! From today I am going to do something about it’ but you must know how things work. Hehe.
    But the real beauty is in accepting yourself the way you are and being accepted by your loved ones without any hidings.
    You have wrote down the same feelings in such a lovely way.
    Kudos lady!

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  11. Thank you for sharing these pics, your self-talk and your kids’ perspectives. I am so very grateful for my sweet children for this very reason. I am grateful for their point of view and for their innocence that allows them to share it.

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  12. Wonderful, uplifting post for a huge body of women (no pun intended) including me. I’ve noticed that most of the criticisms come from people who’ve never had to deal with a weight issue and the medical profession. There is now medical evidence that shows overweight people with an existing heart condition have a more positive outcome than those who are not overweight and have a heart condition. Maybe things are finally looking up for us.

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  13. Reblogged this on New Author -Carole Parkes and commented:
    This post strikes a chord with many people including me. I was amazed by the number of responses and especially how most overweight people undervalue themselves as a response to critism from others. I say “Be proud and never let your weight worries stop you from doing anything you want to do.”

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  15. You are so awfully brave, sharing the insecurities that you and everyone else in the world shares. I think women everyone are aspiring to be as confident and well spoken as you are. This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it with us. Xxx

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  20. I understand how you feel. My boys like to take photos of me with their gadgets, most of the time when I find them, I quickly delete them. I enjoyed your post. Sometimes I think we can be too hard on our selves. Your kiddos’ perspectives are priceless! Loved it.

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  22. We are all beautiful even if we don’t think so. Doesn’t it make such a difference in your life to realize that you are a totally unique wonderful and beautiful human being? People come in all shapes and sizes and I (not just because I’m an artist) would be disappointed if there was not this beautiful diversity. You look beautiful and your words tell me You are on the inside to.

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  26. This is way sweet. I’m thankful they were there to tell you that. Of course, it is good that you want to still do better on the health path, but even better that you are learning to be more positive about it.

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  32. Thank you so much for posting this! I love it when other women begin to see themselves for the beautiful people we are. I laugh sometimes–they teach us just as often as we teach them. It sounds as if you’re raising your children in a very good way.

    I wish you and your family much luck and love in your journeys together.
    Be well. : )

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  33. Reblogged this on monkmomo and commented:
    This story could be me…. It hit home in relation to my post the other day about how I am worried about my current health/weight. I wish I could get to the place this lovely mom is. I’m working on it!

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  35. I had to share and reblog this on my blog monkmomo.com as I just recently shared a story about my worry regardingy health/weight. I also asked some friends for inspiration to help me recharge my focus on health and I received one of the loveliest replies from a dear friend who lives half a world away and I have not see in a decade! I plan to share her response as its own post later today because it was just so touching and relevant. What a blessing it is to have communities like this who help us and lift us up even when we feel we are so far down there is no turning back. Your post did that for me as well. Thank You.

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  39. Very inspirational. It was a huge leap for me to put on a bathing suit and take my 2 year old daughter to the pool this summer. That 3 feet from the lounge chair to the pool steps where I could wear my cover up was mortifying.. But I had to do it. My daughter loves to swim. I try so hard to not care what people think.. Or wonder how fat I really am. But you have the right attitude and I hope I can eventually get there! Thank you!!

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  40. Just what I needed to read 🙂 I had a bit of a body crisis myself earlier this week. But I still made it up a mountain! And wrote a post about the epic journey. My Kid still gives me lots of cuddles, I’m sure it’s because I’m comfy! No bones digging into him like the skinny Mums 🙂

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  47. Love that second picture:-) your taking on the world…and winning….i to struggle with body issues…and im really small and skinny…but i find myself trying to brush my hair and teeth without looking in the mirror..i think everyone has that feeling of not being good enough..its pounded into our minds that beauty is important and it is “this”…..stupid media..but its just like you said….your kids see it clearly…its what you do….how you give…and the inside person thats what beauty is….

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  49. This is so lovely 🙂 really heart warming. You need to be happy in the skin your in, even if you strive for slimmer/healthier/fitter, because one day something unexpected can pounce on you, and it makes you realise that you have a family that love you no matter what, and THAT is what truly matters. And in my experience a happy mum = a happy household!! Xx

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