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Exposed by my children for what I really look like

Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

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My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”

“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”

I take a deep breath.

This is exactly what I needed.

My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.

I still see my dimply, fat thighs.

I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.

I still see chubby arms.

I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.

I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.

Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.

Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…

I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.

Yes. You heard me.

“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”

Well…not exactly. But something like that.

Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.

Really, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t hate my body anymore.

That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.

I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.

Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.

Thank you kids.

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* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.

587 thoughts on “Exposed by my children for what I really look like”

  3. Love this! Good for you. Who cares what we look like! I have missed out on lots of things because of body image issues and I deeply regret it. The older I get, tho, the less what others think matters to me. You are an inspiration and your children are blessed to have you.

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  4. Hello! I just wanted to say that you don’t need to be self conscious. You are beatiful the way you are and whenever you feel doubtful of what true beauty is, go look in a mirror and you will see! As a man I used to be a little self conscious about taking my shirt off at the beach, I don’t have a six pack, it’s more like a litre LOL, my fiancée always said I shouldn’t worry. With time I became more confident, now I don’t care what anyone thinks! BTW from what I read looks like your kids are awesome and so are you! Take care, blessings.

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  5. I felt like you but I’ma man. I got depressed. I had weight loss surgery and I am flourishing now! I had the gastric sleeve procedure. Best thing I ever did! I also founded the gastric sleeve gang on Facebook for support. Now with 6300 members! Think about it!

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    • I remember going to a formal dance in 11th grade. I weighed 118 lbs. and thought I looked awful when pictures were being taken. For years I burned with shame when looking at those photos because I believed i was SO ugly and fat. Now I am 40 years old and weigh 230 lbs, and you know what? I am only now starting to like myself even a little bit.
      Stop fat shaming. How a person feels about themselves has very little to do with their actual weight and everything to do with their perceptions and beliefs about themselves.
      I love that Bridgette has found the courage to share this with the world. I love that she has found the positive in this photo!
      Surgery suggestions are NOT loving and miss the whole point of the post.

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  6. Bridgette, I don’t know you and this is the first of your blogs I have read, however I feel like you jumped right inside my head with this post. It literally brought me to tears…because these are the things that I hope to feel and say some day, but also because I’m so happy to hear a strong, bright, beautiful woman say this out loud. I don’t feel like “a fat girl” or different than my “skinny friends” but when I see my photos I feel so ashamed and jealous. Well no more (or at least working on it). This is spot on. Size does not make or break beauty. So thank you. I’m going to print and hang this as a reminder. And I post this thank you anonymously because I know I’m not as strong as you and able to say “I don’t like my body and feel ashamed of it” out loud. But this will certainly help me accept and love it and work toward feeling as proud and honest as you are. So thank you.

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  7. Pingback: As a mom | myfamilymyvillage

  8. This is the sweetest story! And remember kids are very honest, and they say what they think and your kids think you are honestly beautiful! Show them the confidence in yourself, that’s a very healthy thing for children to learn! Love yourself!! As is!!!

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  9. Your children would have loved to see you stopped and relaxed. That was my first thought! I remember my lovely mum always very busy.

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  10. I feel the same way about myself as well when I see pictures or look in the mirror…..I hope someday I will be able to see different like you have, God Bless you and your children and Thank you!!

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  12. What wonderful children you have!!! I seriously could have written this myself last summer. I realized how many memories I was missing out on with my daughter because of my own pride. So selfish! It literally changed my world & my relationship with her, as well as the way I look at other people’s bodies. There’s so much beauty in the way God made all of us & I’m learning to appreciate it all. I still have moments of insecurity (I promise they are truly few & far between though) but it’s amazing how the Lord uses my girl to encourage me without even her knowing. Finding your identity in the Lord & knowing what He says about you is the key. He loves me, my husband loves me, my daughter thinks I’m the most beautiful, best mom ever….I’m too loved to tear myself down anymore!

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  13. Oh my, I could have written this myself, maybe not as well, but the sentiment for sure. I have Hayes having my photo taken most of my adult life. When my mother died, I realized my children and someday their children would have very few photos to remember me by. I still struggle and at 59, look not only at my
    girth, but wonder who is that old woman staring back at me? Working every day to see myself in the eyes of my children and husband and as a believer in the eyes of my Creator.

    Thank you for your beautiful post and your beautiful pictures.

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  14. I can so relate. And this summer I made a choice. A choice to stop hiding. To stop being ashamed.

    This summer, for the first time since I became a mum, (14,5 years ago) my upper tummy has a darker skintone than my under tummy.
    And that is because I dared to wear a two piece bikini – in public – and even standing up in it!

    I did not look fantastic, but I looked like me. And I am overweight. And I do have an upper-, and underbelly.

    And I feel proud!

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  15. I completely love this! Well written, and her thoughts are so similar to mine, that I could have written it. This is what I will strive for.. to look at myself as my kids do, inside and outside my body. Thank you for writing and posting this. I love the pictures- I think I see you as your children do, even before I read it.
    Gina

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  17. I used to be you!!!!!!! Well, I am still you, but I found a workout program I could actually do more than a week, ended up losing 70lbs and became a Beachbody coach to inspire others like me. Weight should never stop you from living a full and wonderful life! I lost mine to be healthier and to feel better about me, but I was still a positive, fun, adventure seeking mom at 250lbs! Good for you!

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  18. What a great reflection for the rest of us to take home- For all of the image-shaming that gets pumped into us through the media, always selling the newest diet fad, it is ultimately this realization: that our self-love is what needs repairing first and foremost. Take that love and apply it to our quest for health.

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  19. Oh, thank you! This is how I feel. I can’t help but seeing just a fat mom in my pictures, but I hope my children see me as Mom and not Fat Mom. Thank you.

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  20. Thank you for this. I have gained weight on top of my leftover “baby weight” the last year or so bc of a disability. It has left me feeling so bad about myself. Every time I look through my phone at the pictures the kids took of me I feel the same way. I delete them because how I look right now humiliates me. Your confession was so beautiful, It brought me to tears. Thank you for letting me see things in a different light. You should be proud how loving and awesome your children are. You’ve done an incredible job!

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  24. Thank you so much for posting this. Its how I feel. I have struggled all my life with my weight and like you, I’m at my heaviest. My kids are all adults and love me for who I am. I dont think I could of gotten though some of my battles without them. They are so positive and happy I am who I am. I keep telling myself the same thing, but sometimes I just want to give up. Then I think of them and smile and know why I here. You are beautiful and I have to keep telling myself that even though right now it is hard. I cant thank you enough for this post and I hope it helps out a lot of women and men 🙂

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  25. See, I was looking at that picture thinking that I want that bathing suit. And a day on the beach. I didnt notice any of the things you did until you said something, and then scrolled back up to see the picture. Your kids are right.

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  26. This made me cry. For joy and for regret. I did NOT always participate with my kids, because I was self conscious about my appearance and THEY have regrets about that now. They are in their 30’s and I realize now that when they were young, I looked pretty darn good. I applaud your beauty!

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  28. Thank you! We all feel the way you described; but we rarely applause ourselves for what we have done and accomplished. I’ve been a single mom for 20 years. I’ve had my own successful business, was able to put my son in a private school, got him through college, and now I’m a teacher at a local high school… And all I see is how heavy I am. I’m not looking in that mirror anymore, I’m looking I the one that says good job you’ve accomplished do much!! Thank you!

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  29. Thank you so much for this. You don’t know what it means to me, but I will give you an idea. This is my Facebook entry from when I shared this.
    ?Normally. I would not share a story AND a picture like this on Facebook. I DEFINITELY would not admit that I identify with it. While I have not earned the “general’s stripes” that this woman has, because she is a Mother, I like that she says she does not hate her body any more, and that she is addressing the struggle head-on, instead of turning the page. I don’t hate my body any more, and I do wish that addressing my weight issue and acting on it was as easy as quitting smoking was. (In one month, I will observe one year of being cigarette-free!) Back to the business at hand: I keep saying to myself (and sometimes to others) that I AM cute, but I can’t see it because of my chubbiness. My mind’s eye doesn’t see me the way I reflect in a store window. So, while I will continue to address my struggle, I have stopped hating my body.

    Just sayin’ ’cause I HAVE to say it.

    {BTW, this must resonate because I had to correct quite a few misspellings and undangle a participle or two. The run-on sentences are something else. A girl can address only so much.)”

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  30. Your story is brave and I think you are simply amazing. How many times do we see a photo of ourselves and immediately feel self loathing instead of seeing the beauty that others see? Thank you for sharing this. You inspired me today in a big way.

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  34. Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled with too. And so many moms… When I led scrap booking workshops so many if the scrapbooks lacked the photos of the moms – who were safely hiding behind the camera as an excuse.
    Trust me – your kids will see so much more of you than what you look like physically. We have so many more memories from our other senses too.
    They will remember your smile, your laughter, your firm voice when they know the needed to be corrected, they will remember your touch when you apply their favorite character band aids. They will remember the smells of the blueberry pancakes. The will see your eyes, your hair, your hands, your smiles. They will see your imperfections but love you anyway!
    How do I know?
    That’s what I love about my Mom – and – my kids, like yours, have never once said anything about my weight. – and when I have made self deprecating comments they have remarked about love – not looks…

    Bless you!

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  37. I have to agree with your kids. 🙂 I am overweight – biggest I’ve ever been. I see it, pull it apart, and pull myself apart – daily. No hourly… maybe more. But when I said I was fat, my son looked at me and said – “No you’re not Mommy – your perfect. You’re beautiful. I love you” I realized that there was so much more to me than what I see in the mirror. My boys don’t see me the way I do. And you know what? I’m starting to agree with them. :-). You said it so well. And yes, you are beautiful!

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  40. I could have written this!! (And I love Tahoe). I’m almost 39, I’ve got the same body issues (even when I was thin, I was hippy with a big butt and fat legs), and, you know what? I’m finally learning IT’S OKAY. I’m wearing tank tops, summer dresses, everything, this summer. This is who I am. My boys have helped me appreciate myself so much. They are the ones who say, mom, you don’t need make-up! You look beautiful just as you are! And my son just loves my jiggly butt & tummy (I wrote about it, here: http://wisesass.com/2014/03/17/on-jiggly-butts/) and he’s helped me to accept who I am, and it’s a lot more than how my body looks. Thanks for being so real.

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  42. Bridgette,thank you for your story. I surely appreciate your honesty. Been there and done it.
    I would encourage you to get on a healthy eating and exercise plan. Make some time for you. You are worth it!!!
    I turned 50 this year and my children are grown. I decided this year would be the year when I would get my health act together and so far so good. Yes it’s a constant battle and always will be, but the rewards are tremendous. My only regret is I did not do this sooner when my children were younger. The energy is amazing and I’m wearing smaller clothes. So far I’ve lost 35 lbs and have 25 more to go.

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  43. Than you! Just what I needed to read today. Our kids don’t judge, don’t lie. I wish we could see the beautiful world through their eyes more often. My 4 year old daughter often tells me that I look pretty or that I’m beautiful and I can’t help but think that I’m fat and ugly. But she knows better, I should remember that.

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  44. I used to feel the exact same way. I have struggled with weight issues for most of my adult life. I have PCOS and thought it was impossible, but I finally found a diet that works for me and I’ve lost 40 pounds in the last four months. I started right after my son’s first birthday party. I have a long way to go still, but I have grown so much these past months… I am so happy with my life and feel more beautiful than ever–inside and out! I’m taking it ten pounds at a time and hope to be down a total of 50 by the time my daughter turns 7. :-). Sending prayers for your success and peace. 🙂

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  45. I came across this blog post today, the day I needed it most. I cried. You have given me such release about my body that I cannot thank you enough. Over the last few years, I’ve gained a lot of weight. I had always prided myself on the fact that I was always skinny, and one day I suddenly looked in the mirror and I could not say that about myself. The more obsessed I became, the more I ended up gaining. I kept some of my old clothes because “I would get back into them some day,” but they taunted me day after day. What you said changed my perspective instantly. I figured out that before I could do anything for my health, I had to love where I was at now. I went through some pictures that I hated because of how I looked and ended up finding the beauty in me that I have been missing. Tonight, I went through my short sleeve shirts and each shirt I tried on that didn’t fit, I had to quietly tell myself, “Love who you are now.” One by one they went into the donation pile. I’m planning on going through the rest of my clothes this week. I feel like now I can lose weight for my health rather than body image because I find myself beautiful once again. “Skinny” is no longer the identity I cling to. “Beautiful” is the label I’m taking, no matter what I weigh.

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  47. I didn’t even realize this was about weight. The very first thought I had about your picture was; “Cute bathing suit, I wonder where I can get one!” 🙂

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  48. Thank you for sharing your story. I struggle too with my body image. I thank God I have my kiddos. I’ve heard my daughter talk to me about my pictures just the same, love the eyes of a child. Your courage to overcome it is an inspiration. Thanks.

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  49. I loved this. I also wanted to share with you a message from a lady that changed my whole perspective on self image. http://youtu.be/NcEp5y2UDDk
    It’s a real eye opener. Oh and I have to agree with you’re daughter. What a great post card, one that says “happiness is… Resting on the beach after a full day with family”

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  50. Fantastic post. How lovely that your children have so much love for you and express it so easily. Just proves what a wonderful mother you are. The world needs more of your stories – Write On!

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