Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.
My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?
Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.
Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.
“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.
I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.
“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”
“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.
“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”
I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.
My daughter walks over and takes a look.
“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”
I take a deep breath.
This is exactly what I needed.
My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.
I still see my dimply, fat thighs.
I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.
I still see chubby arms.
I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.
I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.
I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.
Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.
Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…
I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.
Yes. You heard me.
“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”
Well…not exactly. But something like that.
Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.
Really, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t hate my body anymore.
That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.
I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.
Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.
Thank you kids.
* Here is another “secret” picture the kids took of me on our day trip to the beach.
Bridgette Tales 
You do look beautiful. I mean, look at those legs!
Your laying there looking sexy and not even trying to. Don’t hate your curves, I would love to have some!
LikeLike
You post is beautiful and so inspirational. Your kids are blessed to have you as a momma. Don’t ever give up on those health goals. Have you ever heard of Advocare? After my second baby I did the 24 day challenge and it changed my life. I lost 27 pounds and 16 inches over 90 days and more energy than in college. A year later the weight is off the energy is still there but most importantly I’ve become a much better mother to my children. Don’t lose sight of how important taking care of you is for you kids. Doing so will keep you around a long long time for those children to keep taking beautiful secret photos of the momma they love.
LikeLike
What a fabulous post! Thank you! I, like you, fight the weight battle. I, like you, am adventurous. We are wonderful mamas, no matter what Cosmo might think of us!
LikeLike
This was beautiful. This made me happy. This made me smile. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You look so happy and free! 🙂 keep up your positive attitude and always show that to your kids!
Also I have some pretty good tips on feeling healthy, and and having good nutrition for your body. (Not to be taken in a bad way please, I am just responding to you wanting to continue with good health.)
LikeLike
These are my thoughts about myself exactly! I hate to have my picture taken yet am sad when I can’t find many of myself to look back on over the years. But I have to say since my 40th birthday last year…I just don’t care anymore! I can ham it up now with my daughter when she wants to take a ‘selfie’ with me and be happy to take that picture with her. Life is too short and especially short with our children, so enjoy it all and take those memory photos to look back on when they are no longer young!
LikeLike
It was after I turned 50 when I had this same change come over my way of thinking. I spent years worrying what someone was thinking or whispering about me and missed so much fun with my children. I refuse to miss anymore time or fun and plan to enjoy every second of my grandchildren. I still fight the urge to cringe when someone walks by, but I quickly remember, I don’t care anymore. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you so much for this, I have been struggling so hard this year after coming to realize that if I don’t accept who I am now I am going to miss so much of my young boys lives. Your kids are so blessed!
LikeLike
I hear ya sister! I’m the worst kind of heavy person there is….the kind that used to be skinny!! I was a size 0-4 for the majority of my adult life…then I had a baby and a hysterectomy…and I began to “fill out” as my Mom said. And filling out was depressing for me…but then I realized….my filling out was a result of two miracles!! One, giving birth to the most amazing daughter anyone could wish for…an two, saving my life from the possibility of uterine cancer! So….I take my “filled out” body as a reward. A reward for still having life…and creating a life so beautiful, that it makes me weep! Skinny women can keep their bodies….I have something much better!! 🙂
LikeLike
I am so happy about this post. We are all beautiful! And thin/skinny does not mean healthy! You are doing the right thing by focusing in health vs weight. I use a system that has helped me feed my body the nutrients and vitamins it needs so I can be the best I can. I’d love to share with you if you’re interested.
LikeLike
Oh my goodness! I. Love. This!! I don’t know how many times I’ve seen pictures that my kids have taken of me on my phone and had the exact same reaction that you had. DELETE IT QUICK!! Because of your wise words, from now on I will strive to see the beauty in those photos instead. Thanks for being real. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You don’t know how much this post meant to me. I’ve struggled with weight and self-loathing for a long time. My daughter is just about to turn one and I have worked really hard at accepting myself for her sake especially. I have a long road to go but I’m getting there. Thank you.
LikeLike
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the thoughts of many women.
LikeLike
I love that you shared your Beautiful story!
LikeLike
Your post has made its rounds through many of my FB friends. I’ve ignored it until just now. Yesterday morning I was blessed with the birth of my seventh child. Today my butt is sore and I was starting in on flogging myself for not being one of those beautiful post-pregnant women. As if the size of my body should define. You ARE beautiful!! Thanks for giving me some strength and permission to love myself.
LikeLike
I had a similar experience not too long ago. I too am at my heaviest Ever.
I was laying next to my 5 year old granddaughter in bed. She asked me to try not to snore. I told her I would try and the reason I did was because I weighed too much but was trying to lose weight to make me quit snoring. She said “will you look younger if you lose weight? ” I said “l hope so”. She said “then don’t lose weight cause I like you just like you are. ” best thing anyone has ever said to me!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Mom on the Fly and commented:
This is a must read for moms, women, and men who struggle with self image. It is the first time I have reblogged something. It is worth the read!
LikeLike
I’m 34 and I finally reached the point where playing with my son at the pool trumped my fear of being seen in a swimsuit. (And I am more than a little overweight. Much more.) This has been the best summer in YEARS. My son and I have had so much fun just running off to the pool whenever we felt the urge. It’s just like when I was a kid. THIS is what we want our kids to remember about us. That we were fun and adventurous and that we didn’t let something as insignificant as our weight hold us back from laughing and playing with them. This article is a BEAUTIFUL expression of this. THANK YOU for sharing that with us.
LikeLike
I was completely wrecked by this. Thank you for your honesty. I was moved to tears and it has forever changed my perspective. It is the first post I ever reblogged.
LikeLike
I know this is not the point at all, but I struggled like crazy with weight issues and finally went to a natural path. Ran an e95 food sensitivities test. Turned out I had a food sensitivity to gluten, dairy and eggs. You just take them out of you diet for two weeks and test them one at a time. After taking out things I was sensitive to I lost a crazy amount of weight. Nearly 70 lbs and 50 of that came off in the first 3 months with no calorie counting or food limiting. I eat more now than I ever use to, but my body is not inflamed from foods that are toxic for it and because of this I am not sick all the time like I use to be. Anyways, I know it is not the point at all but from so many friends and family that have struggled I am finding that the ones who go off of gluten or dairy or whatever is their culprit the weight seems to glide off. Part of this is because a lot of what you then eat is fresh produce, meat and healthier carbs like qinuao but from a mom who had ran a half marathon and barely lost a pound I can honestly say sometimes it all comes down to avoiding a few things and you start to feel great. 🙂 Anyways, wanted to at least share. Thank you so very much for this post.
LikeLike
This post was beautiful, hopeful and inspirational not just for mothers but women and young girls in general. Beyond the fact that your kids forced you to see your beauty through their eyes you may have future photographers on your hands 😉 The pose of the picture on the beach is like something you would see in a magazine. Great pictures, great post and a great attitude.
LikeLike
You made me cry with your honesty. One of my first thoughts was, “Her kids are so amazing,” and then I thought, “No, they are seeing her, they see her soul, they see her true self…..that she is a beautiful, sexy, amazing woman through and through. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of us could keep our true way of seeing beyond our childhood years. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could keep that soulful, honest way of seeing. I see my patients this way and yet, I have to admit, it’s been hard over the years ot see myself this way. I have worked my ass off to try and get back to my true way of seeing past the pictures in Vogue, Self, and Madamoseille magazines, not to mention the daily assault of daily ads tellling me what beauty should look like. Being 5’1….I was never going to look like that, no matter how thin I ever was. Along the way I learned that my curves were amazing and wonderful….I learned that they made it easy for me to belly dance. I found stregnth in my curves. And I realized that strong legs made it easy to hike, ski and fight for myself. I learned the power of wide open hips as I wrote my first book. Did you know that as women we hold our power in our pelvic areas….aaaah, now I know why my pelvis what so damn wide….I had a lot of power! Now at 55, I am finally happy when I look in the mirror. I like who and what I see. I love the woman I have become. The one who smiles back at me each and every morning. The one smiling back at you…loving that you are finally seeing you…all of you and all your curves.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing this – it is such a great reminder for all of us!
LikeLike
It is as if you saw into my Soul, regarding my weight! Thank you, for helping me realize that I Cannot wait until I am not Fat, to spend time with my 3 (grand-daughters)….Ages 2,4, and 6. They Adore me; and I, them. (Even though I do not always like Myself! God bless you. Sincerely, Sharon
LikeLike
Awwww so sweet, Stay healthy and keep having fun. The rest will take care of itself.
LikeLike
Just wanted to say no matter what size you are what you face look like ,you kids did a amazing job.So don’t ever be ashamed for who you are.Injoy life because god put you here just to be you.Give your kids a big hug for that picture.What the heck give them one from me too.Smile
LikeLike
Thank you for posting this. As I wipe my tears away. Tears from the fact I am at that point in my life where I am the heaviest I have ever been ( but I quit smoking 🙂 ) And your post has made me open my eyes to see that I may not be a skinny minnie any longer but I am still beautiful inside and out. As the tears clear away I also see the man who has been there cheering me on and telling me that he loves me for me and that I am pretty. So Thank you so much for helping me see what as before me the whole time
LikeLike
This is so powerful, enjoy your beauty!!
LikeLike
Thank you for this. I struggle with this, too. This post made me tear up, and redetermine to be more positive about myself.
LikeLike
Wow, this brought me to tears. I can’t tell you how much you have helped me to not delete the pictures my boys have taken of me. I think they are horrible but now I will look at them differently. They tell me I’m beautiful….guess it’s time to listen to them. Thank you for being beautiful and sharing your story. Jennifer
LikeLike
Hello,
This is absolutly beautiful. It has taken me a lifetime to fully embrace how my body looks. I have discovered being body positive is sweet freedom. Loving myself has only helped me push love outward.
Thanks for sharing this story, I know there are a lot of readers relating to this.
Tahnee
LikeLike
What a great post! Your are a beautiful woman inside and out! 🙂 Thanks for the inspiration!
LikeLike
Bless you, real mama. I hope to get there someday. I still won’t let anyone photograph me, especially when I’m wearing something new and feel pretty. The cold, hard proof overrides my feelings every single time.
LikeLike
i love that your children are teaching you to love yourself, flaws and all. i love that you are seeing yourself through THEIR eyes. i’m a self-proclaimed fat chick and i’ve battled my weight forever. i do think with age comes a different perspective of life, what it means, and what is truly important. love your curves, girl. embrace them. they are a part of the beauty that is you. this was a wonderful post!
LikeLike
Bridgette, I want to thank-you for sharring your picture and story. I have the same bathing suit as you and I have a weight problem too. I have always hated the way I look in the suit so I do not wear it. When I saw your picture and how beautiful you look lying there on that beach I can now look at myself in a new light. Thank-you Andie
LikeLike
A – thank you for posting this – *with* the pictures!!
B – Can I please have your kids? My daughter is not as kind.
LikeLike
I am 64 yrs old, 5’2″ and weight 190. I am so self esteem about my weight that I hardly go anywhere. It does not help that I am told by my dad that I am fat. He is always making comments about lg women that he sees as a dig to me. Can’t move as I live with him and am his caregiver. I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid and ostio-arthritis (sp), take meds that put on weight, have had steroids given to me for medical issues and eat very little. It hurts to walk much less exercise. People think that all plus sz women sit around all day stuffing their faces. NOT TRUE. Some of us have real medical isdues that keep weight on. Maybe someday I can have a life again.
LikeLike
Debbie, try not to let your dad’s mean comments get to you! You sound like a beautiful and wonderful person. I am 5’5″ and aprox. 280 lbs. Due to medical problems it is hard to lose the weight. I saw Bridgette’s picture and it has helped me se myself in a different light. God bless you and keep smiling.
LikeLike
I just read this story in the paper – and I cried. I think we don’t care so much as we get older, hopefully, because we are coming to learn that life’s not really about anything other than love, and if you have people in your life to love, like you have your kids (and they have you), what else could be more important. Thanks for the story.
LikeLike
Oh, what a breakthrough moment for you Bridgette! Self-love is HARD, but i’s so beautiful when we can move closer to it through the eyes of the people that LOVE US JUST AS WE ARE ❤
Amber at Adventures of a Rainbow Mama x
LikeLike
Self-acceptance of your body is never easy, but I’m glad you finally found a happy medium.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing this. Glad you didn’t hit delete. I do not have many pictures of me and my babies together. I have deleted far too many. I will keep this story in my head for the next time I scramble for the delete button.
LikeLike
Oh wow. This post brought me to tears. I can’t describe how proud I am of you, Bridgette. Your words touched me. When you pointed out how you see parts of your body as flaws, and yet those “flaws” are some of your most beautiful parts. How the same arms you first ripped apart, are also the beautiful, strong arms that carry your children. How the same body you loathed lying on the beach, loves your children with every inch of its being. You are an inspiration to me and I for one have been touched by this. I want to thank you for this message.
LikeLike
Lovely picture,enjoy the moment
LikeLike
I am crying! What an amazing post! I am always critical of any picture of myself, but kids only see the good in their moms! Thank you for sharing this fantastic post! It truly made my day!
LikeLike
This was absolutely beautiful and brought me to tears. I wish we could all see ourselves through our children and husband’s eyes. Kudos to your boy and girl. He did a great job getting a beautiful candid photo of his mama. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLike
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for this article
LikeLike
Love this! What a beautiful way to switch your focus 🙂
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Fashion over Forty and commented:
This is not from my blog – this is a re-blog – but a must read ladies! Take it to heart!
LikeLike
Your children are right…you are beautiful mama….our mother bodies are temples that have sustained life…..I too struggle with these feelings in regard to my body….I have recently started a healthier lifestyle thru beachbody so my kids can have me around longer too….its difficult with 3 kids under foot but worth it.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on claireejknits and commented:
It’s a funny thing. We never manage to see ourselves how others see us. I see a flat boring lumpy blob of a woman. Others tell me they see a beautiful caring, creative soul who is a wonderful friend. I’d like to see that person…one day.
LikeLike