Tears flowed easily all morning as I felt pain radiate from my burned hand and crawl all over my body. It coursed like blood through me, stabbing me with the overwhelming sadness that has become my default emotion.
I made myself get out of my car and sit under a tree in front of my children’s school. No more tears, Bridgette. Just write your sadness.
My injured hand jerked across the paper as I wrote sappy poems about the meaning of life, letters to my younger self and declarations of finding happiness.
Then I looked up and one of my friends was standing there. The sunlight shining through the trees framed her face and she looked like an angel.
“You looked sad, so I thought I’d come over.”
We chatted for a few minutes about the book she just completed, our children and the power of music.
This is life, I thought.
She picked up her boy from kindergarten and then brought over a CD of the band we had been talking about. As she pulled away in her truck, she and her joyous boy called and waved to me.
Thank you for that act of love friend.
You pulled me back.
Sometimes I feel like a caricature of sadness, like I have one of those little storm clouds drawn over my head with rain falling on me.
It’s ridiculous and I want to slap myself awake.
But it is what it is.
I have been using that expression for weeks now. During that time, I’ve barely written anything. I’m not running. I’m impatient and being a crap wife, mother, daughter and friend.
It is what it is, though, right?
I’ve been telling myself that I’m using that phrase because I’ve reached a place of acceptance.
It’s just another excuse. Another way to say “poor me” and not make myself accountable for my actions.
It is what it is.
Time to fight.
That CD my friend gave me is a band called “Nahko and Medicine for the People.”
This is the stuff.
Seriously good medicine.
One song in particular, “Warrior People,” has become my rallying cry. I’ve been listening to it about a dozen times a day and singing it loudly until my voice cracks. Some of my favorite lyrics:
“I’m just a human being on another fucking journey.”
“I teach my children who to trust and how to listen.”
“I will learn to be peaceful but I keep my knife at my side.”
“Used to be restless, now I am relentless.”
“Everything you do in life is definitely relevant.”
I’m really getting bored and tired of feeling like an injured puppy lying around licking my wounds.
Time to be the warrior that I know I am.
As I write these words, I can’t help but feel like a broken record on repeat. I’ve said them before. I’ve been in this place before. I keep feeling stronger, but then…
It’s always something.
There is always another stumble down the stairs of sadness.
And it’s OK.
I have lots of fight left in me.
As I struggle along, I keep my eyes upward these days. The sky has become a beacon of hope for me. I stare up and remind myself how small I am and how truly out of my hands some things are.
“He built himself a house,
his roof overhead,
his chimney and smoke.
He made himself a garden,
his evening dew.
He cut out his bit of sky above. And he wrapped the garden in the sky and the house in the garden and packed the lot in a handkerchief and went off lone as an arctic fox through the cold unending rain into the world.”
–“Fairy Tale”, Miroslav Holub