I want off.
This summer has been the craziest of my life. Up. Down. Up. Down. Happy. Sad. Love. Death.
I want off.
Yesterday I almost gave up. As I curled up and cried I wished for an escape pod. Just push the button and it all ends. I surrender. Stop the pain. I’m done.
Even my beautiful children’s faces were not enough. I still wanted out.
As I type those words my gut clenches at the ugly reality of that. I’m weak and broken. It’s embarrassing, self-imposed and a result of choices I’ve made.
I am a free person. Every choice I have made in my life has been my own. That is something that I’m ungrateful for. Not worthy of.
That’s the gift of God right? Free will. The ability to walk our own path. And I live in a country where I have that right afforded to me by law. Nobody is forcing anything on me. It’s all me.
My faith is shaken so much that I have been doubting that God is even real. I’ve been feeling ignored, unloved and forgotten.
How can we all just keep doing this? How can we walk around in pain with our fake smiles? What am I missing?
I keep having moments of clarity where I think I’ve made progress. I find the puzzle piece that will make it all fit together. These moments are happening more and more. Its like God is gently whispering truth into my ear, but I’m not listening.
I’m making the choice to be unhappy.
It keeps coming back to my core belief that I am unworthy of happiness and not deserving of love.
I’ve been combating that belief, but it’s still holding on. It’s controlling my behavior and thoughts.
I am craving attention. I’m like a toddler begging for everyone to hold me. I want to be looked at, touched, admired and loved. I want to be thought of as someone fun to be around. I want to make others smile. I want to take all my friends pain away and make them happy.
My cup has giant holes in it and it’s never going to be filled up.
It has to come back to faith. To God. To surrendering and allowing myself to believe again. I don’t have the answers and never will. Happiness is not something I can get or understand. There is no magic formula.
All summer I have been dancing on the rim of a cliff. I teeter and then catch myself. Yesterday I fell. Hard. It’s time to surrender and put things in His hands. Stop trying to make my own choices or even understand.
So I will pray. I will be silent and sit still. I will listen and stop questioning.
I have no illusions of it being easy. Rebuilding faith, one that was never really strong, is not going to be easy. But it is the only way for me.
I need love. Please be generous with it when you see me and I will repay you with all I have. I will pray for us all.
May God help me, for I cannot do this alone anymore.