Stupid, bad mommy

Holding her hands back as she attempts to punch me, I forget about her feet and one connects with my side. Hard. All of her limbs are in motion with the intent on doing damage. She is still small and I can handle her blows.

It’s what is coming out of her mouth that feels like I’m being repeatedly stabbed with a rusty knife blade soaked in poison.

“I hate you!”

“Your a bad mommy!”

“I wish I’d never been born because your so bad!”

“Your a stupid, ugly mommy!”

Each hurtful phrase is followed by a scream that comes from deep inside. It shakes her whole body and seems painful. I hold back my tears and try to remember…she is only 6. She is in pain.

But it hurts.

It feels like I’ve failed at the most important job in the world, being her mother. I’ve failed to give her the tools to handle things.

My poor sweet, sensitive girl.

From the time she started talking it was clear she has strong feelings and emotions. She thinks about things little ones should not and comes up with phrases that often leave me speechless. She is always concerned with how people feel and is often brought to tears when hearing a story about someone sad.

For those reasons, and many others, I have to be careful of what she is exposed to. We limit media and she attends a Waldorf school. But I can’t shield her from every hurt and, truthfully, I don’t want to.

This “I hate you” stuff is new. This is the first full week of school and 3 out of the 4 evenings have ended with an outburst (each getting progressively longer and meaner). After the rage comes the real tears and we get to the hurt and pain. Then, most horribly, it ends with guilt.

“I’m a bad kid.”

“Your a good mommy and I’m just awful to you.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Those words twist the knife and I want to run out of the room sobbing.

The truth behind all this pain is that my girl wants a best friend. She is obsessed with the idea of having someone she can count on. Someone she can trust. I’ve explained that it takes time to build friendships and that she just needs to play with everyone right now.

“Time is all you need.”

“Just keep being yourself and people will line up to be your friend.”

“You are awesome. You are amazing. Give people time to see that.”

I even brought out the old Girl Scout song:

“Make new friends

But keep the old

One is silver

And the others gold”

She wants it so bad that every interaction becomes “is she my best friend or not?” Then she decides the answer is no and is as heartbroken as she will be when her first boyfriend dumps her.

I’m not stupid and can see the correlation between her pain and my own. I know that even at age 6 she can feel her mothers depression. I am not whole right now. I’m broken and I can’t help but feel that she senses it.

How can I expect her to be strong, resilient and confident when I am not?

I hate this.

I want to give her skills that help her find meaning and love.

I want her to feel whole and confident.

I want her to stop freaking out and saying mean things, because this mom can’t take much more. Words freaking hurt.

How can I do all that? I have no clue.

I know some of the answers can be found by seeking Gods help. It keeps coming back to that. We read her book about guardian angels last night and she found some comfort in that. I’m talking to her more about prayer and we are going to start praying together.

My daughter is amazing. I am certain she is destined to do something great with her life.

I only wish I could fast forward through this hard stuff. But, of course, this is the stuff parenting is made of. The hard stuff.

I just hope I survive.

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4 thoughts on “Stupid, bad mommy

  1. I’m sorry. I have certainly been there. I want to teach my kids how to appropriately deal with anger–but I’m not sure I know what that means myself. And it does hurt when they lash out physically or emotionally. And I can’t force other kids to be friends with mine. 😦 But it does not mean you are not equipping her. You’re equipping her right now, by being a safe place for her to lash out, learn it’s wrong, but still be loved anyway.

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  2. I think the best and the lessons we most need come from that hard, painful place. In spite of all she is feeling and saying, and all you are feeling and going through, there is this powerful truth: “My darling daughter, I love you. Always and in all ways. Unconditionally and without restraint or reservation.” This is what makes losing a mom (no matter how old you are when that happens) so painful. If you had a mother who loved you like that, you know there will never be another human who will hold you in that place. And if you weren’t lucky enough to have that mom, when they leave, you know you never will. I know this doesn’t make it hurt any less right now and of course you love her like that. (You ARE that kind of mom and couldn’t do it any other way.) But I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that through all the pain you are feeling right now, you are building, and helping her to build the foundation that will help her survive when life hurts her and people disappoint her and S**t happens. Love you my friend.

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  3. again… right to the heart. we are dealing with similar situations in my 13 yr old. it seems like every “friend” she has made has turned their backs on her. she told me just the other night that all she wants is someone she can talk to and hang out with. it broke my heart because the root of her problem is not entirely hers. it stems from me withdrawing from our church and our friends out of fear of being hurt again. i have to keep her together while trying to pull myself together. it is not easy and it hurts so much to see the pain i have put my family through. however, God has not let me down, nor has He ever left me, even when it seemed the darkest. i can hear her chatting happily as she does the dishes and i know we will make it through, she reminded me today that i look so pretty when i smile. i was tired and hurting and frustrated.. i told her it was annoying that she does that, her face fell for a minute and my heart crushed that same instant. i don’t remember this being in the brochure.

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