by

poetry: clever

panic sits inside my shoulder
just under the skin
wiggling spiderset leggy, crawling
3 a.m. do you know where your children are?
i check, don’t trust my eyes
other senses won’t wake
drive a tractor toward a fence
can’t go fast enough to break through
are they on the other side
am i running to or from something
hold my hand, am i really here
bubbles become breath, no breath is bubbly
spiders lie, right, it’s not real
4 a.m. do you know where your children are?
they aren’t little but the world is bigger now
eyes too open, close them
rest your head upon my shoulder
my head doesn’t know where to rest
it spins, a top loose upon the table, it trips the horse
we tumble, tangled limbs, hoofs, hair
spider calls its friends, a party moves down my body
pop the champagne, let’s go
5 a.m. do you know where your children are?
pull the legs off so they can’t scurry inside
i still feel them even when i say they aren’t real
exterminators tell me they got every single one
but why do i hear them tap dancing
clever cat knows, he will find them for me
hearts can only take so much, he purrs
6 a.m. do you know where your children are?
too late to take the little white pill, stuff to do
it makes me sleepy—fight it, fight it, fight it
eight-leg shadows find my chest, neck, eyes
fine, take it, one loud swallow
fingers find keyboard, words trip/flip/skip
not good enough, not anything, fine, all fine
check kids one more time, one more time
one
more
time
step outside, cool air brushes skin softer
morning traffic sounds, my ocean
in and out, nothing else, we breathe
seagulls cry with the mourning doves
time to do last night’s dishes
another load of laundry
i know where my kids are

Author’s note: I suffer from occasional panic attacks. I had one this morning and penned these words in an attempt to capture the feeling.

52 thoughts on “poetry: clever”

  3. You captured it perfectly, Bridgette…😕💕 I hope it helped? Panic has been a frequent companion of mine and this year, it seems to have settled in for the long haul. I get very quiet when I am in that frame of mind: using all my energy to keep the spider under some sort of control. It’s such hard work, though… Thanks for inspiring me to try writing about it instead…🙏

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    • Writing helped but so did taking my pill (a high-dose of antihistamine). I’ve been dealing with panic attacks since my son was hit by a car a few years ago and they often come out of nowhere. I’m actually glad this one was at least at home. I’m so sorry you have them too. Yes, try writing about them. If nothing else it helps others feel understood and connects us through this difficult part of being a human in a very messy world.

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  8. I felt your panic. Damn spider. It also made me think of my sister. Once she was convinced she had bed bugs, she had her maintenance guy out, an exterminator check, she kept washing her stuff. She was breaking out in hives from stress fro imaginary bed bugs, they never found ANY evidence of anything.

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  10. I had my first (recognized) panic attack in 2015. Similar to yours but different: no spider, no crawlies, just feeling like the entire front of my chest was solidifying into concrete. Mine stemmed from the first time I truly ‘worked without a net’ as a consultant….that and a whole lot of Imposter’s Syndrome. You really captured the crazed way thoughts will race around, Bridgette, and how there’s another part of the mind that keeps screaming “SLOW! DOWN!”

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    • I’m sorry you know the reality of panic attacks too. Your chest turning to concrete sounds terrible. I ended up in the ER twice thinking I had heart attacks before they figured out what was happening. Luckily, I know how to manage them better now and they happen less frequently. It’s wild how real they feel.

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  15. It’s so tough sometimes to fight from just the mental images rather than what is really in front of us. It’s great that you are able to depict it in such a way. It let’s the image out from our conceived hearts and brain. Sorry to hear about these panic attack. I hope you keep feeling better 💜

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  16. I’ve been dealing with panic attacks since 2015, they went away and didn’t come back until 2021. At first I had it controlled. But it seems when I am overly stressed and when I am dealing with other people problems I start getting them again :(. I finally decided to go to therapy soon, because I definitely want to heal. I wish nothing but the best for you and this was a great poem!

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    • Therapy is a wonderful step forward. I’ve been in it for years and it’s really done wonders for me. It’s hard to be a human especially if we have past trauma or are just sensitive souls. Much love to you on your healing journey.

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