Haiku

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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 5

“The first mistake of art is to assume that it’s serious.”—Lester Bangs

Welcome to the fifth week of my #100DayProject. While last week my focus was on happiness and light, this week it has shifted to mistakes. The first two paintings of the week were such a mess I started to wonder why I’m even doing this. My inner critic grew fangs and I became insecure and super wobbly. I dramatically announced to my family that I was quitting painting because “I suck” and “it’s too hard.” My family said nothing, wisely, and I eventually sent myself to my room and reread the guidelines I wrote down in week one:

  • be messy and imprecise
  • have fun with the process
  • don’t overthink
  • don’t plan
  • don’t judge the finished painting
  • be brave

With these points in mind, I tried again. With the exception of the flowers, these are all outside my comfort zone. They are messy and a bit strange, but oddly I found myself relaxing more in the mess. I wonder where letting myself live in this jumbled mistake zone will lead me? I’ve got nine more weeks to find out. Let me know if you have a favorite painting or haiku and thanks for sticking with me as I figure out how to take myself less seriously.

#1
under the big top
spring carnival awakes
can you hear its call?

#2
pitter pat splatter
colorful little clatter
what does it matter?

#3
fingertip dancing
fuzzy family photo
dressed in regal green

#4
messy self-portrait
hiding blue moon memories
tomorrow brings sun

#5
tulips reaching high
calling out your sacred name
remember—be brave

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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 4

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”-Roy T. Bennett

Welcome to the fourth week of my #100DayProject. Before we get to the watercolors, I want to share with you a moment of self-discovery I had this morning while journaling. Although I’ve had similar “aha” moments in the past, this time it feels a bit deeper. Maybe you’ll relate.

As a parent we want our kids to have the very best lives. We want them to thrive and be happy. Both my kids are struggling. My son still deals with the effects of two major accidents and my daughter has serious mental health struggles. This has taken from my kids “normal” teenage milestones like getting their driver’s license or attending prom. The picture I had of their teenage years is nothing like what we are experiencing and it breaks my heart. I often don’t know what to do.

These feelings have led me to internalize the belief that their struggles are entirely my fault. I tell myself that if I was a “better” mother they wouldn’t be facing such obstacles. I blame myself so deeply for everything that it’s become a catalyst for self-destructive behavior. I’m not eating right or caring for my body. I’m not nurturing my marriage or my friendships. I’m not even writing like I was.

I keep trying to restart everything, but I can’t seem to do it. This is where the big “aha” happened for me this morning. The reason I’m failing is I’ve decided I deserve to be punished. I failed as a mother and therefore I deserve to be miserable. After all, how can I be happy if my children are not? How can I continue to pursue my dreams when my kids are hurting? Isn’t that selfish? Isn’t that wrong?

Of course, it’s not. I need to lead my family by example. Taking care of my body and meeting my goals will inspire my family and give me more energy to face everything. Allowing the weight of the world to press me down doesn’t help anyone. It seems like such a simple thing to realize, but at the same time, it feels enormous. I’m not sure how to translate this into action yet, but it feels like a wobbly step in the right direction.

Now, let’s talk about watercolor! This week I focused on happiness and light—things I’m seeking to call into my life again. My painting time has become a great counterbalance to the heavy stuff I’ve been processing in my journal. My skill level has remained the same, but I’m okay with that. Right now it’s not about growth—it’s about survival and joy. 

I’d love to know if you can relate to my story or have a favorite painting or haiku. Thanks for following my blog and for always cheering me on. Happy Wednesday!

#1
magical forest
dancing brightly in my dreams
help me stand taller

#2
golden shiny sun
deep within my mystic core
heal my broken heart

#3
budding shamrock luck
shimmy shimmy sway and shake
boogie down spring street

#4
blurry-eyed flowers
wake from their long winter rest
see them jump and play

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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 1

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.” -Anne Lamott

If you’ve been around my blog for a while, you may remember I started my photography journey this time last year by participating in the #100DayProject. It was a wonderful experience of growth and I appreciated how much feedback and advice I received throughout the process. I discovered photography was more than a passing hobby, it was something I love and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

When I saw it was time again for the #100DayProject, I did a lot of journaling about what I might do this year to grow as a creative. The idea of perfectionism kept coming up and my desire to think more out of the box. I’ve been exploring this idea of abstraction in my poetry, but I want to push myself further. As both my children did a lot of watercolor painting in their Waldorf education, and I’ve always admired how the colors blend across the paper, I decided to focus the next 100 days on exploring watercolors.

I’ve always been very critical of my lack of artistic skills. Embarrassed would probably be a more accurate word. Art, to my untrained eye, always appears to contain a fair amount of magic and natural ability I don’t possess. So, it was very important before starting this project to create some guidelines to work within. I’m not trying to learn skills or techniques, but rather to allow for exploration, stress relief, and self-expression. I’ve given myself a few guidelines:

  • be messy and imprecise
  • have fun with the process
  • don’t overthink
  • don’t plan
  • don’t judge the finished painting
  • be brave

This first week was challenging. I looked up images in books and online and when I tried to duplicate them found myself getting into the mindset of failure and comparison. It was only when I started painting my feelings and allowing myself to be silly, it started to feel more enjoyable. Each week I’ll share 3-4 paintings without commentary (other than perhaps this format of including a haiku). I hope you’ll enjoy watching me experiment with letting go.

Here are my offerings for Week 1:

#1
wiggly bright full moon
shining in a pale green sky
you grow lovely plants

#2
colors dance freely
across the watery page
revealing flowers

#3
hidden dark red sky
delicate flower bouquets
spring is almost here

#4
wavy broken lines
colorful light bright puzzle
what things do you see?