Self-discovery

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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 4

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”-Roy T. Bennett

Welcome to the fourth week of my #100DayProject. Before we get to the watercolors, I want to share with you a moment of self-discovery I had this morning while journaling. Although I’ve had similar “aha” moments in the past, this time it feels a bit deeper. Maybe you’ll relate.

As a parent we want our kids to have the very best lives. We want them to thrive and be happy. Both my kids are struggling. My son still deals with the effects of two major accidents and my daughter has serious mental health struggles. This has taken from my kids “normal” teenage milestones like getting their driver’s license or attending prom. The picture I had of their teenage years is nothing like what we are experiencing and it breaks my heart. I often don’t know what to do.

These feelings have led me to internalize the belief that their struggles are entirely my fault. I tell myself that if I was a “better” mother they wouldn’t be facing such obstacles. I blame myself so deeply for everything that it’s become a catalyst for self-destructive behavior. I’m not eating right or caring for my body. I’m not nurturing my marriage or my friendships. I’m not even writing like I was.

I keep trying to restart everything, but I can’t seem to do it. This is where the big “aha” happened for me this morning. The reason I’m failing is I’ve decided I deserve to be punished. I failed as a mother and therefore I deserve to be miserable. After all, how can I be happy if my children are not? How can I continue to pursue my dreams when my kids are hurting? Isn’t that selfish? Isn’t that wrong?

Of course, it’s not. I need to lead my family by example. Taking care of my body and meeting my goals will inspire my family and give me more energy to face everything. Allowing the weight of the world to press me down doesn’t help anyone. It seems like such a simple thing to realize, but at the same time, it feels enormous. I’m not sure how to translate this into action yet, but it feels like a wobbly step in the right direction.

Now, let’s talk about watercolor! This week I focused on happiness and light—things I’m seeking to call into my life again. My painting time has become a great counterbalance to the heavy stuff I’ve been processing in my journal. My skill level has remained the same, but I’m okay with that. Right now it’s not about growth—it’s about survival and joy. 

I’d love to know if you can relate to my story or have a favorite painting or haiku. Thanks for following my blog and for always cheering me on. Happy Wednesday!

#1
magical forest
dancing brightly in my dreams
help me stand taller

#2
golden shiny sun
deep within my mystic core
heal my broken heart

#3
budding shamrock luck
shimmy shimmy sway and shake
boogie down spring street

#4
blurry-eyed flowers
wake from their long winter rest
see them jump and play

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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 3

“All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself.”-Eckhart Tolle

Welcome to the third week of my #100DayProject. While I started watercolor painting as a way to combat my perfectionism, it has become an important part of my morning ritual. I use the early morning hours to process my emotions and combat my anxiety. Watercolors have blended into my routine so easily that it feels as if I’ve been doing it far longer than 21 days.

Things I discovered this week:

  • Start every painting with a wash of light color
  • Taping the paper to the board is highly satisfying
  • Pulling off the tape is equally satisfying
  • I work best when I have a source image
  • I need to accept my limitations

Although I’m still enjoying the painting process, my skill level is limiting my creativity. My challenge going forward will be to see what happens after I accept this uncomfortable feeling. Thanks for following me on another adventure and being so supportive. Let me know if you have a favorite painting or haiku. I love hearing from you.

#1
fuzzy purple dears
hazy purple cloudy years
don’t forget to breathe

#2
snowy wonderland
pine-scented fantasy world
come get lost with me

#3
fall with me, Alice
down another rabbit hole
where purple skies sing

#4
something calls to me
in the ancient borogoves
do you hear it too?


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#100DayProject: Watercolors-Week 2

“The purest and most thoughtful minds are those which love color the most.”
― John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice

Welcome to the second week of my watercolor #100DayProject. After some experimentation, I’ve settled into a comfortable morning rhythm of painting and journaling. It occurred to me this week how both serve the same purpose—release and freedom. Both activities are about letting go, self-discovery, and seeing where it takes me. Taken in this context, it’s impossible to do it wrong. What a wonderful thought!

Things I’ve learned this week:

  • Stop painting before everything turns brown
  • Wet-on-wet is very enjoyable, but I need to go slower
  • Trying to copy other paintings can be frustrating
  • My emotional state affects the color scheme
  • I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s totally okay

I’m still trying too hard to control the paint. I ripped up and threw away two paintings this week and started over. The need to be perfect is still very present and I’m trying really hard to separate the work from any kind of judgment. I remain, as always, a work in progress. Thank you for following along on my journey and for all the wonderful comments I received last week.

Here are my offerings for Week 2:

#1
lavender ladies
standing straight-backed and quite tall
do you ever fall?

#2
swirling galaxy
locked within my busy mind
yearning to be free

#3
what dark secrets hide
behind your bright red brick wall?
I want to see all

#4
happy little sun
shining brightly down on me
do you see me try?

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Searching for something

Almost four years ago, I began this blog to address the feelings of being drowned out and erased by motherhood. It was purely a selfish stab in the darkness.

Hello? Hello? Anybody out there?

Depression’s seed had already sprouted inside, but it would take a year or so before I began to recognize it. By then, the twisting thorny pain had wound itself through every cell, infecting all functions and clouding my vision with inky black lies.

Devouring. Suffocating. Obliterating.

I could not see.

I could not breathe.

I could not move.

This blog became the home for the words I didn’t dare say out loud, my refuge in the darkness. I could type silently the pain and anger I wished would go away, release some of the pressure, and reach my quiet hand up for someone to see.

Some of you read the words and nodded in solidarity, my sisters and brothers of shadow.

Some of you read the words and tossed me tendrils of hope, which I desperately clung to with both hands.

With every word typed and every tear cried, I’ve been ripping and untangling the dense thicket of torment and suffering I’d surrendered to.

Now, with only a few coils still attached, I’m feeling exposed and naked.

Stripped down.

Bare.

I’m free, but lost.

Seen, but scared.

I have no idea what to do next.

Depression became my identity, filling the emptiness up with dark and giving me plenty of lies to ponder and pain to feel. It became my voice; it spoke through me, providing a plethora of excuses to hide behind and inside.

Hello darkness, my old friend/I’ve come to talk with you again

I want to shed the deceitful sense of purpose depression gave me and embrace something new. I long to find the true voice inside me, the one buried by all the layers of bullshit I’ve let define me for so long.

I feel wobbly in this new space and unsure how to proceed.

So, I come here again, to this space of words and ideas. I come with eyes wide open, my heart engaged and my mind clear.

Do you see me? Will you accept this version? Will I?

Our country is so filled with division, misinformation and lies right now. We have joined the rest of the world, in a global sense of unease and unrest. There are so many things happening, so fast, it would be easier to retreat back into my self-pitying hole of depression and hunker down.

But this is the time for action.

The time to declare a new purpose and to find a new voice.

A time to say, I’m still here.

We are still here.

Now what are we going to do?

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My attempt at painting this new feeling.