panic sits inside my shoulder
just under the skin
wiggling spiderset leggy, crawling
3 a.m. do you know where your children are?
i check, don’t trust my eyes
other senses won’t wake
drive a tractor toward a fence
can’t go fast enough to break through
are they on the other side
am i running to or from something
hold my hand, am i really here
bubbles become breath, no breath is bubbly
spiders lie, right, it’s not real
4 a.m. do you know where your children are?
they aren’t little but the world is bigger now
eyes too open, close them
rest your head upon my shoulder
my head doesn’t know where to rest
it spins, a top loose upon the table, it trips the horse
we tumble, tangled limbs, hoofs, hair
spider calls its friends, a party moves down my body
pop the champagne, let’s go
5 a.m. do you know where your children are?
pull the legs off so they can’t scurry inside
i still feel them even when i say they aren’t real
exterminators tell me they got every single one
but why do i hear them tap dancing
clever cat knows, he will find them for me
hearts can only take so much, he purrs
6 a.m. do you know where your children are?
too late to take the little white pill, stuff to do
it makes me sleepy—fight it, fight it, fight it
eight-leg shadows find my chest, neck, eyes
fine, take it, one loud swallow
fingers find keyboard, words trip/flip/skip
not good enough, not anything, fine, all fine
check kids one more time, one more time
one
more
time
step outside, cool air brushes skin softer
morning traffic sounds, my ocean
in and out, nothing else, we breathe
seagulls cry with the mourning doves
time to do last night’s dishes
another load of laundry
i know where my kids are
Author’s note: I suffer from occasional panic attacks. I had one this morning and penned these words in an attempt to capture the feeling.
And hopefully by the time you finished writing this, the unwelcome visitor was gone! Good therapy and excellent writing, Bridgette!
Thank you so much! Yes, I often work through my emotions with writing but don’t always share these raw posts. I’m feeling much better now. Maybe it will help someone else recognize that feeling.
Your words captured a panic attack perfectly.
I can’t always figure out where they come from but this one might be spurred by two missing people who were at the same music festival we attended last weekend. I wasn’t thinking about that directly, but that, and the war coverage I listened to yesterday, probably are what made this one come on.
No kidding! The news is so awful. Tomorrow I’m writing about a zoom call I have on Fridays. Many of the members are Jewish and have lost friends and family. I get panic attacks on the freeway. It got so bad, I’d have to pull over and have sweat dripping down my back and my legs would shake so badly I couldn’t drive.
That sounds just awful! Hugs to you dear friend. It’s a hard time in the world right now.
It sure is! Thanks for the hugs.
You captured it perfectly, Bridgette…😕💕 I hope it helped? Panic has been a frequent companion of mine and this year, it seems to have settled in for the long haul. I get very quiet when I am in that frame of mind: using all my energy to keep the spider under some sort of control. It’s such hard work, though… Thanks for inspiring me to try writing about it instead…🙏
Writing helped but so did taking my pill (a high-dose of antihistamine). I’ve been dealing with panic attacks since my son was hit by a car a few years ago and they often come out of nowhere. I’m actually glad this one was at least at home. I’m so sorry you have them too. Yes, try writing about them. If nothing else it helps others feel understood and connects us through this difficult part of being a human in a very messy world.
Oh Brigette!!!! I am so sorry that happened…😔😔😔💕 Yes, I will try writing… bless you for sharing this…xoxo
I am so glad you know where your kids are 🙂
Thank you. My panic attacks are always about my kids, although they are aren’t children anymore (18 and 16). We’ve had some hard years and the anxiety of the bad days creeps in sometimes and explodes.
mine are about so many things. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that. Sending you a gentle hug, friend.
Thank you.
Really & perfect panic words written you .
“too late to take the little white pill, stuff to do
it makes me sleepy—fight it, fight it, fight it
eight-leg shadows find my chest, neck, eyes
fine, take it, one loud swallow
fingers find keyboard, words trip/flip/skip
not good enough, not anything, fine, all fine!”
Thank you!
You are most welcome!
I hope you are okay.
I’m doing much better, thank you. Luckily these things don’t linger.
“If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn
Don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining every day”
Wow… well done. I hope you’re ok.
I’m much better. The pills calm everything down and writing about it helps. Luckily they don’t happen very frequently anymore. Thank you for caring 🙂
Bridgette, I’m so glad that you were able to recover from the attack <3
Thank you so much Rosaliene. I’m lucky and these don’t happen much anymore, but they always take a lot out of me when they do.
I can well imagine.
sleep woke
shook took
after midnight
another day
went to bed
angry
again
I’m sorry sleep evaded you. May you get better rest tonight.
ready to listen to fresh hagar aka the circle tomorrow sam is 76 and it is time to ten thirteen!
I felt your panic. Damn spider. It also made me think of my sister. Once she was convinced she had bed bugs, she had her maintenance guy out, an exterminator check, she kept washing her stuff. She was breaking out in hives from stress fro imaginary bed bugs, they never found ANY evidence of anything.
Our minds surely are powerful, aren’t they? That sounds like a terrible experience for your sister. Yikes!
Glad you’re feeling better now. Sorry to hear they still flare up on bad days. <3 Hope the medication helps.
Thank you, Tom. Yes, I’m grateful these have become less and less a part of my life and that I do have those pills for when it gets too big to manage.
I had my first (recognized) panic attack in 2015. Similar to yours but different: no spider, no crawlies, just feeling like the entire front of my chest was solidifying into concrete. Mine stemmed from the first time I truly ‘worked without a net’ as a consultant….that and a whole lot of Imposter’s Syndrome. You really captured the crazed way thoughts will race around, Bridgette, and how there’s another part of the mind that keeps screaming “SLOW! DOWN!”
I’m sorry you know the reality of panic attacks too. Your chest turning to concrete sounds terrible. I ended up in the ER twice thinking I had heart attacks before they figured out what was happening. Luckily, I know how to manage them better now and they happen less frequently. It’s wild how real they feel.
Poor you. Hope that helped
Writing and the medication helped. It’s a journey and luckily it’s much better than it used to be.
Beautifully written
Thank you so much.
bonito
Thank you!
Un placer
Even I suffer from panic attacks. But I work to listen to my thoughts instead of heeding to them!
I wish you the best health!
~Kunjal
(P.S. this was an absolutely great poem capturing so much!)
Thank you so much for the kind words and I’m sorry you have them too. They are getting much easier to recognize and don’t last as long as they used to. ❤️
It’s so tough sometimes to fight from just the mental images rather than what is really in front of us. It’s great that you are able to depict it in such a way. It let’s the image out from our conceived hearts and brain. Sorry to hear about these panic attack. I hope you keep feeling better 💜
You are so right. In the moment it’s hard to separate the physical sensation from the truth. Thank you for the kind words. My panic attacks are getting less and less. I can recognize them now for what they are and that’s a huge step forward.
Good to hear that! More power to you 😊
I’ve been dealing with panic attacks since 2015, they went away and didn’t come back until 2021. At first I had it controlled. But it seems when I am overly stressed and when I am dealing with other people problems I start getting them again :(. I finally decided to go to therapy soon, because I definitely want to heal. I wish nothing but the best for you and this was a great poem!
Therapy is a wonderful step forward. I’ve been in it for years and it’s really done wonders for me. It’s hard to be a human especially if we have past trauma or are just sensitive souls. Much love to you on your healing journey.
Mornings were always the worst for me when I was dealing with PTSD. Your poem is remarkable and highly relatable.
I really liked this. Good work! 👏
The pacing of this really make my thoughts speed up. You captured the essence of panic beautifully.
That was exactly what I was trying to do with this poem. Thank you.