This week I was reminded again at how complicated emotions can be, at how we can hold both tremendous grief and overwhelming love in the same breath. It was a week of tragedy, connection, rock camp, fairy doors, bubbles, car talks, and two panic attacks.
Would I argue with the rain or clouds or the ocean itself? I see faces, I see shapes, I see love wanting only to freely bloom. I think I won’t complain.–Neil Reid
I’m still struggling, but I’m finding my way forward. Part of that path involves showing up here with you, even if I have to fight myself to do it.
About a month ago, my daughter and I drove up the coast of California into Oregon and Washington. Although this trip wasn’t what I had hoped, I got some pretty photos. Here are some of the best from day one.
I’d love to know if you have a favorite photo; can you guess mine?
#1#2#3#4#5#6#7#8#9#10#11#12
These photos were taken with an Olympus OM-D and edited with ON1 Photo RAW.
After the tremendous high of self-publishing my book in April, I’ve spiraled into a funk so deep I’m hesitant to even speak about it. I’ve resisted naming it or giving it power, but the truth is as plain as the sweatpants I’ve been wearing for days.
I’m not doing great.
While I can rally when my friends and family need me, it takes everything out of me. My default Pollyanna attitude, always seeing the joy and wonder in everything, is slowly fading away. It’s harder and harder to put a positive spin on things, and as a result, I’m dissociating more and more. I check out for hours and days at a time by playing on my phone or binge watching TV, often doing both at the same time.
The creative spark I had just months ago seems lost.
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I’m picking fights with my family, crying easily, and my body hurts all the time. I feel myself stiffening in all ways. It could be stress in my life, the state of the world, perimenopause, or most likely, all of those things combined.
It’s time to seek help. Again.
Sigh.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, I think part of getting through this is going to be recommitting to blogging again. Reaching out to this beautiful community as my whole broken self and saying, hey, I sort of need a hug right now and maybe you do too, so how about we hug each other with words? That sounds weird, but you know what I mean. We aren’t alone. None of us.
So, yeah. I’m here.
How are you? I seriously want to know. Good? Bad? Tired? Energized? Did you get a new dog? Your cat do something funny? What projects are you working on? Tell me all the things.
I might not be doing great, but I’m going to show up. I’ve taken a ton of photos lately and it’s time to edit them and share them with you. Maybe the joy of the tiny details will help me in my recovery, and who knows, maybe you’ll find something about them to love too.
I’ll leave you with this photo my daughter took of me in Washington earlier this month. I remember thinking in a world where an artist creates something this magical, anything is possible. I’m holding onto that feeling, even if it’s tiny.
some say we return to stars light returning to source but I won’t say it to you as your child left too soon
instead I’ll focus on moonlight grief rippling across the land a sliver of silver beside Venus how small words feel now
once he pulled my giggly son across a green lawn over and over “you can stop anytime,” I said he shrugged, “but he’s so happy”
some say we will meet again across the rainbow bridge but I won’t say it to you as your boy left too soon *Dedicated to my aunty Nel and my cousin Josh. I wish I could be there today to celebrate his life with you. He will be greatly missed. I love you all.
On Monday, I spent the morning at the Sacramento County Fair with my camera. As a former 4-H member, I had a wonderful time chatting with the kids about their animals. I was especially interested in the goats, as I’ve started working on a re-write of my middle-grade novel which features a tiny goat by the name of Grizz. Research and cuteness—double win!
Let me know if you have a favorite photo and I hope you have a fantastic day.
Note: I’m sorry my blog has been so sporadic the last year. I’ve been terrible about reading blogs and posting. So many things are happening. I had my second book-signing. The poetry book honoring Neil Reid is halfway completed. I’m working on launching a new monthly newsletter. My daughter, my baby, is turning 18. I’m not giving up on this blog or my connection to this beautiful WordPress community. I’m working out ways to be more involved soon. Stay tuned and thank you for continuing to support me. It means the world to me!
It can be hard right now to think about light streaming through ribbons, flowers, and youthful hearts, but the world still contains all the beautiful things it always has. Let me take you away from the news for a moment as we dance around the May pole and celebrate the spirit of spring. Let me know if you have a favorite photo and have a wonderful day.
“It is spring again. The earth is like a child that knows poems by heart.” —Rainer Maria Rilke
On the last weekend in April, I celebrated the release of my first book, Watering Words: 52 Short Stories, with a book signing and reading at my favorite independent bookstore, A Seat at the Table Books. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for most of my life and…it was better than I could have hoped for. Let me give you a brief rundown of how it went.
On the 40-minute drive to the bookstore, my family gave me a series of much-needed pep talks and distracted me with every stupid joke they know. My favorite from my daughter: Did you hear about the crime that took place in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels!
We got to the store a bit later than I wanted, so we had to hit the ground running. With the help of my friends and family, we got everything setup pretty quickly. A few people trickled in at first, but within twenty-minutes, the place filled up! The store had to make an announcement about not blocking the aisles, and many people had to stand. I honestly couldn’t believe it!
Our first speaker was Larisa Bryski, the director of my favorite non-profit G.I.R.L.S. Rock Sacramento. She told the audience about our connection and the wonderful work her non-profit does to help young girls find their voice. A portion of my book sales and the speciality drink sales go to support their mission and I’m so grateful she could join us. Thank you!!
Next, my childhood best friend Angy Cring told stories about us as middle schoolers, including a story of us sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet boys, and how we changed our names to reinvent ourselves before high school. She traveled from Las Vegas to assist me all weekend, handling backend promotion and even filming the event. I’m so fortunate to have her in my life! Thank you!!
Fantasy author and close friend Jason Denzel, author of the Mystic books, then introduced me. He talked about our writing group, playing D&D together, and watching me grow in confidence through our time together. Jason inspires me daily and helped make the entire event run more smoothly. I’m so lucky! Thank you!!
Finally, it was my turn to speak. I was incredibly nervous and forgot I was going to thank a bunch of people to start off, but once I got talking about the book, I calmed down. After reading the short story Striders, I took questions. This is where I truly surprised myself. The audience asked such thoughtful and amazing questions, and I found it easy to talk about my writing. Far easier than I thought! By the time I read my second story, Coffee and Cloves, I really felt good. I thanked people and then setup for the book signing.
You guys! The line went ALL THE WAY around the store. It took me over an hour to sign all the books. So many hugs and pictures and joy! I’ll honestly never, ever forget the feeling of this first author event. My heart is still so full more than a week later.
To date, I’ve sold over 100 books! Thank you to everyone who has supported me. If you want to help support me further, buy a book for a friend, or consider leaving me a review on Goodreads or wherever you do such things. Also, if you’ve read the book, I want to hear from you! Tell me what you liked. Do you have a favorite story? Tell me!
Hope you enjoy these pictures from the event:
My table at the author market on Saturday (the day before the big event).Me and my childhood friend Angy about to start the event.Larisa Bryski of my favorite non-profit G.I.R.L.S. Rock Sacramento.Fantasy writer and good friend Jason Denzel introducing me.What is this face?Me signing books for over an hour!A portion of the book sales, as well as this special drink, went to support G.I.R.L.S. Rock Sacramento.My amazing writing group! I’m so lucky to have these people in my life.My fantastic editor Laurie Fox.My dear friend and writing partner Anna Loscotoff. She made me the beautiful scarf I was wearing.My nephew Wyatt brought his little gnome to the signing and his scarf matched mine!Me and my beautiful friend Jenny.My momma!My daughter, her bestie (my second-daughter) and my husband busy at work. My son was behind the camera and took video.When I’m with my brother, I apparently make silly faces.Not sure why I’m making this face 🙂The after-party crew!I sure love my beautiful writing friends. Thank you!
Real talk: I try to be honest and vulnerable with my readers, so I’ve got to mention two things.
First, even though I’ve sold over 100 books, I’ve still not broke even. Self-publishing is expensive and I couldn’t do this at all without the support of my husband. I’ll never be able to support myself financially with my writing, but it’s still worth it. Creating and putting my words out into the world is something I’ll forever be proud of, regardless of any monetary success. As a friend reminded me earlier this week, years from now, some distant relative might read my book to get a peek at their ancestral lineage. That’s pretty amazing to think about. So, future great-grandchild, this is for you.
Second, and this one I say with a bit of hesitation, it was hard to see myself in these photos. I’ve put on a lot of weight since a hip injury a few years ago, and it is hard looking at the reality of it. My hair has started to thin, something I inherited from my mom, and I noticed it. Big time. I’m so freaking proud of myself for putting this book out into the world, for being brave to share it at the bookstore, and for everything I did…but man…it’s hard to face our changing bodies sometimes. But you know what? I’m glad I’m where I am right now. I’m in the best place mentally I’ve been in my life and I’m surrounded by inspiring and talented friends, so I’m going to embrace myself—flaws and all.
Let me leave you with this: Love yourself right where you are, friends, and write the words, paint the painting, do the thing! Don’t wait. It’s never the right time. I’m here to cheer you on! Tell me about it! We are in this together.
My writing group did a challenge today for May Fourth and I wanted to share my story with you. I also dragged up some favorite Star Wars photos from over the years for fun.
Tomorrow I’ll have a recap of my book signing for you with lots of pictures. You guys, it was a full house! I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Have a great rest of your Sunday.
New Friend
In the shadow of an enormous fake moon, a child drags the top-half of a battle-droid through the dark red sand and into the home she used to share with her father.
“Roger, Roger,” it says again and again, the pitch changing as she lifts it, dropping it in an empty metal bowl.
“We’re friends now,” Skylara says, taking her helmet off. “So, no more fighting, okay?”
“I wasn’t programmed for this….” it whirs, its head swiveling, scanning the room. Dozens of incomplete droids lay scattered about—some discarded on the floor, others perched in makeshift cradles of cups and bowls.
“Hey everyone, meet our new friend,” Skylara says.
“Roger, Roger,” the droids reply, and the sound is almost loud enough to drown out the memory of her father’s screams. Almost. She’ll head back out in the morning to scavenge the battlefields once more.
This Sunday, I’ll be standing in myfavorite bookstore reading from my book. It’s literally a dream come true, and while I’ve still got a little voice telling me how embarrassing/cringe this all is, I’m letting myself be excited. It’s also my birthday today, so I’m feeling all celebratory and reflective. Maybe even a bit proud.
You still have a few days to pre-order yourself a copy and get the bonus stuff:
Autographed copy of the book
Bookmark with links to a photo collage and Spotify playlist for all 52 stories
A printed and autographed copy of an additional story not in the book titled Through the Glass Windshield
Thanks for cheering me on.
Books, books and more books.Giant sign for the event.Shipping boxes.My pretty pen for signing books.Stickers, anyone?
And here’s some pretty flowers blooming in my garden, because it’s Spring and I’m feeling all hopeful and stuff.
These photos were taken with an Olympus OM-D and edited with ON1 Photo RAW.
I haven’t chased the moon for ages, but this morning I did. With my daughter in the passenger seat, we drove through country roads looking for ways to capture the beauty in the sky before us. The pink moon, the moon of rebirth and change, played with us. It hid behind the puffs of a factory, near a barbed wire fence, between trees, within flowers, and amongst the birds. It even tried to compete with the sunrise. I found it for you. I hope it reminds you it’s never too late to try again. Let me know if you have a favorite photo and have a fantastic week!
Pulling us closer into its orbit, shining the light of its fullness into the room, we turn to hold in our hands each other’s face as if for the first time, and the last— Pink Moon, Egg Moon, Moon of New Grass. —Cathy Song, April Moon
within chest, flowers climb worry weavers, petals purple down drooping, up growing Valkyrie songs, deep humming no, deeper reach another another one more press fingers together pollen falls, tight places explodes out, spreads green shrugs we know nothing
Bridgette Tales 